Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Rule/Suck '08

Here's the definitive list of things that ruled and sucked in 2008. I love reviewing the year! It brings a tear to my extremely jaded eyes...

RULE
- 6 paid months off.
- Mexican vacation in Tulum.
- Visiting Skully in England.
- FOB Spring Break show in Cancun. I think I'm still hungover.
- Almost going to Antarctica.
- Staying the course in Amsterdam after a whole box of these :

- Having a new apartment and actually spending time in it.
- Disfear "Live The Storm", Lords "Fuck All Y'all Motherfuckers", Iron Chic, Lil Wayne "Tha Carter III", Torche "Meanderthal", The Bronx "III", The Gaslight Anthem "'59 Sound", Dear & The Headlights "Drunk Like Bible Times"
- The many, many BBQs this summer
- Friends getting engaged/married/having babies : Jesse & Jessica, Pete & Ashlee & Bronx, Joe & Marie
- Turning 32 in Europe with some of my best friends around.
- Peapod grocery delivery. Perfect for lazy, non car having fucks like me.
- Zappos. Same as above except for shoes.
- Online Scrabble.
- The Horrorble Business hijacking of the set in S.F. :

- Obama. I knew this country wasn't COMPLETELY fucking retarded.
- Buying and wearing sunglasses for the first time in my life.
- Another round of Japan, Australia and Hawaii with the MCS guys and crew.
- Doing a show in Russia for a billionaire. E-mail me and I'll get you the full story.
- Minute Maid pomegranate blueberry 100% juice blend. It nourishes your brain.
- Not going to Hawaii with someone I would eventually grow to despise.
- 511 skinny jeans even though I'm fat(ter).
- Me. Bet you didn't see that coming!

SUCK
- Grandma passing away.
- Losing another iPod. This time by my own irresponsibility.
- Not making it to Antarctica and getting stuck in Punta Arenas, Chile with scary fan kids surrounding the building at all times...

- Pepsi changing their logo, and STILL sucking. Coca-Cola FTW!
- The amount of money I spent at Small Bar this year. Absurd.
- Dropping my iPhone in the sea in Mexico, getting a new one and then nearly destroying that one too.
- That terrible new Kanye West record. I'm a huge Kanye fan, and this was such a pile of shit that I deleted from my computer lest it taint my other music files.
- Twitter, Facespace, MyBook, etc... Necessary evil I guess.
- Gaining another 20+ lbs. I'm starting to look like a pear.
- Everything suddenly being so goddamn expensive.

- German being really hard to learn.
- You. 3 years running now!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Not sure what to do with this blog anymore

There was a time when I used to post on here all the time. I had this sort of "I hate everything"/observation/comedy blog which I think for me personally is getting kind of stale. I don't post here nearly as much as I used to and I'm pretty busy doing real life stuff.

I think I'm going to officially change this into a more personal blog involving my day to day travels and personal stuff. It will be far less interesting (most likely), but it will be easier for me to write about stuff.

Dear readers, expect a change in format here. Man, I may even get a tumblr. Is that lame? Probably, so I won't do it. What the hell IS tumblr anyway?!?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Dear person wearing a bluetooth in line at the pizza place



Dear person wearing a Bluetooth in line at the pizza place,

Unless you are some sort of secret agent who needs to have their hands free at all times to perform martial arts at the drop of a hat, or unless you're driving a car, which I assume you're not since you're in the pizza place, please refrain from using your 300 dollar covert operations Secret Service ear piece to talk drivel on your cell with your acquaintances.

It's disconcerting to be standing next to someone who says "excuse me", assume that it's directed towards me and then be faced with a blank stare and a one-sided conversation about your cat or whatever the hell you were talking about.

Also, please refrain from looking at me like I'm the one who's fucking nuts because I'm baffled that you're talking to yourself, because that's exactly what it looks like you're doing.

Technology sucks sometimes, even though I wrote this on my iPhone sitting right behind you while you slobbered on your pepperoni slice and continued to talk. I didn't realize they made hands free sets so you could have an excuse to finally talk with your mouth full in public.

Take care and brush your hair,
B.D.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

LOLbama-ing all the way to the bank



History made. People are happy. The world rejoices. Change! Hope! Free Money!! (insert promise here)!!

We have a long way to go America. Don't jump the gun just yet. It's not like it's going to be fixed overnight. Just like Bill Murray once said in What About Bob?, baby steps.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'm back!!!!

I know it's been FOREVER since I have posted anything on this blog. I don't even know if anyone is following this thing anymore.

The following has happened since I last posted on here in August :

- I turned 32
- I toured the entire U.S., and most of Europe
- I started smoking pot again for the first time in 4 years
- I started watching Mad Men
- I pretty much ditched Myspace in favor of Facebook
- I bought about 15 more pairs of sneakers
- I had a post featured on Blog Of Unnecessary Quotation Marks

I have been completely uninspired to write about anything, and to be honest with the touring going on I really haven't even had time. That is until tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for your listening pleasure, straight from Peoria, IL... .MR. JOHN DAKER!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Water of the month



vs.



Maybe it's just me, but isn't it the same stuff? I have been drinking municipal water in New York and Chicago practically all my life. I also drink it pretty much everywhere else in the U.S., Canada, U.K. (although that can get kind of funky), and Japan. Water is water.

Yet this exists :


The source for "fine waters"? What does that mean?!?! The world around me has gotten quite confusing. They even have a water of the month club!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Guitar Hero dropout!

This kid is going places!! Read up on Blake Peebles who at 16 is dropping out of school to focus on playing Guitar Hero!!!!!



From the article : "It's a small plastic thing, resembling a guitar in basic appearance only.

But Blake Peebles brings energy to the room when he slides the strap over his skinny shoulder and steps atop the wooden box that serves as a stage.

As the music begins, Blake quickly presses buttons on the guitar in time to a speed-metal tune blasting from the giant TV. It is an odd sensation, to watch a young man control the sounds of a rock song with a toy instrument, but this is "Guitar Hero," one of the most popular video game franchises in recent memory. Blake is one of the better players in the country."...(read more)

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Way too long (that's what she said...)

It's been one month and one day since I last wrote anything on here. I've been busy, and I'm sure you all don't want to read about the goings on in Regina, Saskatchewan or Butte, Montana. I can assure you that you don't want to hear about tent destruction due to steady 30 MPH winds, gravel parking lots, intermittent-net, drinking beers at 10am while playing scrabble in 95 degree heat, or how many baby wipes it takes to properly bathe an (overweight) adult human body.

Six more days and I can get back to writing normally, checking the internet for things that annoy me and videos that I can't stop watching.

In the meantime read Stuff Black People Hate because it's awesome, and it's only got a few more weeks of existence.

I apologize for the delay. I apologize to all 12 of you.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Drugs... do them

I'm glad I found this again. Having your computer stolen isn't so bad when you save the important stuff online.

"I Yahoo'd it" just doesn't have the same ring

NERD ALERT...

Does anyone know how it's possible that in the year 2008 people are still using Yahoo! to do any sort of web searching? Somehow there is still a good chunk of people using Yahoo! for their day to day searches, which is bizarre....



This whole thing should just read "Google 50 billion searches, 100%". It makes me think of my tax guy who when trying to find the IRS website typed the ENTIRE ADDRESS into the Yahoo search box, hit "search" and clicked on the first site that came up. Amazing.

Are there really still people out there who use computers who don't know how to use the internet?? I guess I can make fun of them now on here. It's like making fun of the Amish.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Icy Spicy!!!

She loves wrestling and falling in love in a pub. Ladies and gentlemen.. Icy Spicy Leoncie!!

video

video

In other news, I have another blog, called Have You Ever? Never! If you find yourself eligible to be a subject of this blog, shoot an email over to haveyouevernever@gmail.com with your thing-you've-never-done, a little story, first name, age and location. There's 2 posts on their now... You'll get the idea.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Not here to make friends

I wonder if these people actually mean that they don't want to make friends of complete strangers on a competitive reality TV show, or is this just verbal diarrhea (or as Josh K. put it 'mouth farts') at this point. This phrase may possibly be the most uttered phrase in television right after "come on down, you're the next contestant on price as right" or "here's johnny!".

Take it off the list!

I saw a classic Disney animated movie for the first time in my life tonight.

You are reading that correctly. I'm not talking about Pixar movies which I have seen before. I'm talking Sword In The Stone.

It took me nearly 32 years. Now what do I have left? I guess I've done it all. This kind of sucks. I was going to start a new collective submissions blog about ordinary things people had never done in their lives (ex : Dee has never eaten a potato chip) and I was going to kick it off with my non-Disney streak. I'm thinking I'm going to start it with that anyway.

On a completely separate note, here's what 4th of July is like in my neighborhood. Keep in mind this is past midnight and it's right in the middle of a really busy part of the city of Chicago.


G-bless America and good old fashioned explosives!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Chopped and Screwed Batman does GNR... FTW!!

This would be endless on a heavy dose of cough syrup and maybe a couple of joints. Seriously, what IS this? Do NOT click this if you don't have exactly 6 minutes and 10 seconds to spare. Actually, you can watch like 1 minute of this and get the idea...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Los Simpson

This kind of made me shit my pants, and I may sleep with the lights on tonight. I have no idea what is going on in this thing. My spanish isn't THAT good.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Let's make fun of ME for a change

I dug this one out of a hidden spot on YouTube. Yours truly, in my more pop-punk days. Right around 2:00 take note of Derrick Sherman, now of Brand New, losing it. Good times. Some of the best times.



Feast on this while I come up with more things to hate!! I can take it as well as I can dish it out.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Good advice and my weekly mental list

Here are some things you should think about while you're out there in the wild...

- NEVER trust someone who is REALLY into Primus, lest you wind up hanging out with these people





- the same goes for 30+ year old males wearing Crocs. I shouldn't even need a picture to explain that one, but I will provide one anyway to drive the point home


- Taco Bell needs a British franchise. Someone open one for those poor souls. Late night kebabs and Wagamama isn't going to cut it forever.

I shall add this to the list of things that I think about at least once a week. This list as it stands right now is :

- Dave Righetti of the 1986 Yankees breaking the saves record. 46 saves in one season! Unheard of at the time.

- 1986 baseball as a whole.

- 1986 in general.

- The difference between ben wa and baoding balls and how not to confuse them.



(SEE! I told you!)

- Wuzzles vs. Popples vs. Furfels. The last one I'm sure existed, but as of now I can find NO information about them. I know my sister had a Popple.

- The video for Herbie Hancock's "Rockit" which used to make me crap my pants. Give me a break, I was like 7 or 8 when this came out. Who knew jazz/hip-hop fusion musicians could make such creepy videos!?!


If you can manage to read through the comments (and who CAN read through all these YouTube comments of subhuman intelligence these days?) you'll find I'm not alone.


This blog post is going nowhere fast so I'm going to end it now.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The 2008 SIHTB Fashion Spread!

Be on the cutting edge!! Be fashion forward at all times!! Be an idiot!

Apparently headbands are no longer for your neck. They are to be worn on your head in varying degrees of stupidity. Take a look at these fine examples for guidance.





"WHAT?!?! They can roofie LOLLIPOPS now?!?!"




CAUTION : headband in progress!




This next guy couldn't decide if he wanted to be the Karate Kid or to 'just do it'.




OMG, Macaulay Culkin wears a bullet belt on his head (sort of... this caption shit is hard)




These aliens flew in on their jetpacks, attached as many retarded accessories as possible, drank redbull and vodka 'til near blindness, and were spacefucked by Steve Aoki when it was all done.






Well, now you have the headband down, and that's all well and good. But what about some permanent statement I can make. Something that will REALLY make mom and dad cry? Something that screams, "My only goal for my early to mid twenties is to be fodder for a party-night picture website". Ladies and gentlemen... HAND TATTOOS!


If he had a third hand with 7 fingers it would say "LONELY"




I feel like she's giving me the finger even more than normal people!






Whoa, whoa, whoa.... "I can't get hand tattoos", you say. "I'll get fired from my job at Borders, and I JUST picked up Saturday day shifts so I can go out and pose for pictures all night!" A good substitute for hand tattoos is friends. Even if they're people you don't know that well. It won't matter. The amount of drugs and alcohol you're about to consume means you're going to fight or fuck at least one of them!


Here's a new game. It's called "who's going to anally rape who first?" My money is on Misfits guy giving it to ol' red. We will not talk about 'marker-on-the-face' guy




Oh, look everyone, it's De'mar from the Plain White T's, the singer from My Chemical Romance, and some guy who works at Reckless






And, finally, the ironic, cheap, crushed, empty, recyclable-for-refund dreams of the cutting edge of Chicago, all packed away and ready for disposal, or at least for another night of dancing to 80s music.





As usual, direct all hate mail to the comments.

YES, I do know some of the people in these photos personally. I don't care about feelings. DUH!

(ALL PHOTO CREDIT, except the first one, TO : Clayton Hauck, who somehow made a living taking pictures of these people. He wins. These people do not.)

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I'm very happy... with what I just did to you

Why is this news to me? Why is Ross sending me clips with John Mayer? I have no idea, but as of right now I have watched the video for that 'body is a wonderland' song a bunch and that 'scream at the top of my lungs' joint. I met John Mayer at Live Earth this summer. He seems like a nice enough down to earth guy.

What I didn't realize is John Mayer is fucking hilarious. Here he is pwning Ryan Seacrest on what may be a live red carpet broadcast. I need to learn enough Japanese and be famous enough to do this to someone one day...


Then there's this thing he made. It's similar to "Boom Goes The Dynamite" which is so old I'm not posting it here...


Well, it's looks like I like John Mayer. Please direct all concerns and comments to the comments section.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Does this technique actually work?

I don't know if this would work or not, but I guess this is why Motley Crue used to put their wangs in burritos before they went home to their girlfriends. But, let's face it, if you're sticking it in a warm, sour cream filled burrito it's probably because you just actually enjoying pleasuring yourself with Mexican food.

This video is NSFW I guess. I don't have a job where things like this are inappropriate in the "office". I look at this video as more of an advertisement for iPhones and potential burrito fucking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the video for "Smell Yo Dick" by Riskay....

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Art : no one cares

Over 2000 people completely ignored this piece by supposed "important" artist Luc Tuymans. You know what? Of the 4% of people who actually stopped to look at it, .01% probably even knew who this person is... In his own country! Which is to say, that if even that many people in the world are familiar with Luc Tuymans' work, it doesn't make him any more important than any other artist who has ever lived.

Don't get me wrong. I own art. I own prints and photographs and silk screens of various things. I just know it's silly to place this incredible value on it. Of course the curators of his shows think he's a genius and of course the caretakers of museums where he has installations think that his work is changing people's perception of art and of the world. If I thought inside that small of a box I would think that I was making life-changing guitar repairs every night.

Anyway... here's a video of 2000+ people ignoring a supposed genius. Art sucks.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Geography Lesson



Oddly enough, it's somehow accurate except for the fact that Africa is completely missing.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Nuge Hates Basketball

A few days ago while waiting for the Diversey bus to take me to a very unpleasantly long visit with my tax preparer (that's a whole OTHER blog), I started reading the many fliers in the window of the church on the corner.


For some very strange reason this church is obsessed with hunting. Judging by the pictures I could see that they offer a great number of youth oriented camping, outdoors, and hunting trips. One of the testimonials for these hunting retreats came from none other than the Motor City Madman himself, Ted Nugent.

I've always been torn about what to think about Ted Nugent. On one hand I respect his right to hate vegetarians (I deplore the concept of it), hunt animals, and say what everyone else wants to say but can't because they're not The Nuge. On the other hand he is also a marginally talented, gun-toting, redneck who pretty much stands for everything that I can't stand, including stating that he gets a "full predator spritual erection" from hunting "small children [and] scared women". So, I guess I kind of hate him in reality... although I stand firm on the vegetarian thing. Read here for a doctor's take on it : Why I'm Not A Vegetarian







ANYWAY, here's what Ted has to say about the youth of Chicago and what he'd rather see them doing, according the one page testimonial in the window of the corner church by my house.

IMG00022
"I am proud of what the church and Pastor Dan are doing. Bringing the Spirit of The Wild to the windy city. Chicago youth need other alternatives besides basketball, xbox, and gang banging." Which translated means Mr. Cat Scratch Fever believes that the solution is to get those 'bangers off the street with their guns and get them maybe, ya know, hunting women or something.

Also... basketball? Really? No comment on that. No comment at all.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Antarctic Fail



As some of you may already know, me and my crew of camera guys, tour personnel, millionaires, management, a Guinness Book Of World Records adjudicator, photographer and more did not make it to King George Island in Antarctica. Instead, due to weather conditions preventing us from flying in, we were holed up in Punta Arenas, Chile. A city seemingly over run by children and stray dogs.

It was in the news, it was on the TV, on the internet, etc. After nearly going to jail in Santiago for broken drums (don't ask), it was definitely a huge disappointment and the resultant four days spent in Punta Arenas turned slowly into a living nightmare as local kids in increasing numbers took to standing outside our tiny hotel at all hours of the night and day. They would scream at us, yell out band members' names, throw things through our open windows, sneak in and knock on doors and leave notes, take photos of us eating, follow us around the very small city, and basically act in complete wonderment that something as improbable as one of their favorite bands was in their town which had probably never in history hosted a rock show.

Sometimes they would follow us around. By us, I mean me, our photographer Tom, our soundguy Kyle, and the camera operator Ritesh. Take note of them screaming for someone who ISN'T EVEN WITH US.


Other times they would just hang out in the alley behind the hotel and wait for HOURS for ANYONE to show their face or even give them the slightest attention...

Even getting into a car to go somewhere (which only really happened when we went to see penguins) meant a 25+ person crowd early in the morning....

It was starting to feel like we lived there and may possibly be stuck there permanently. We started visiting Abu Gosch which was the local supermarket.



We bought essentials.
estrellitas
chilean cereals
lifestyle hippies!
henry and the hippies

Once our stomaches were full of snacks and beer we cruised around town to see what the southern most continental city in the world had to offer...

DSC00423
DSC00426

We window shopped for metal records and shirts. They were closed.
DSC00425

Of course Kyle found the Masons Lodge.
kyle and the masons

We made friends with the locals...
with a homeless guy

...and ran away from others


Somedays we were forced to just drink the sorrows away using local questionable alcohol (at a Guinness world record pace)




All in all, it was a weird experience. It made me realize that I could never become desensitized to my own name. I couldn't hear my name being screamed over and over again to the point of absolute madness. It even continued on after most or all of the band had left.

Most of all the entire experience could be summed up in a popular 2-word phrase that's used a lot in non-english speaking countries when they can't or just won't do what you need/ask of them... "not possible". This is usually after they tell you it's "no problem", which may go on the list as 2nd most popular english phrase amongst non-english speakers.

The final slap in the face was arriving at the Punta Arenas airport early to check in to our long overdue flights home and finding that the ticket counter people were OUT TO LUNCH!! Well, "no problem"! I'll just check in using the machine. Oh, wait, that's "not possible"....
DSC00565

One last zing from the country that just wouldn't quit.... See ya 'round Chile!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Clicking on things

For the first time in my internet surfing career I clicked on a banner ad. It was for those weird "I Hate Sarah Marshall" viral billboards that have been sprouting up all over Chicago, and I assume other major metropolitan areas around the United States.

I got exactly what I expected I suppose, which is a viral marketing campaign for a movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I gotta say, I like the fake Blogger site. Or, is it real? I don't know! I can't tell! Man, they sure put a lot of work into this! So many fake blog entries, and links, and the "About Me" section. There's even a link to the site for the fake band Infant Sorrow, whom I assume are the band to which the lead characters antagonist's new boyfriend belongs to. I learned that by reading the faux-blog. BLAUG. That's a new word and you head it here first.

Blaug (n.) - fake blog, sometimes used to promote something or pay tribute to....

where was I?

OOOOOOOOH....This movie stars Jason Segal of 'Freaks and Geeks' and 'Undeclared' fame, and is directed by Judd Apatow of the same, so I'll probably see this at some point. Fourteen years of using the internet and not clicking on ads DOWN THE DRAIN.

Speaking of clicking on things.... FAIL Blog was one thing, here is the official WIN Blog. So stupid it's awesome.

People who will be dead by next year

Amy Winehouse.



Steve-O from Jackass.



Marian Amash, the (disputed) oldest person in the world. She was alive during the fucking OTTOMAN EMPIRE!!



All of the following people... hopefully.



Do what Ross did and set a Google Calendar reminder. So, on March 19, 2009 you can be like, "Oh shit... Steve-o and those stupid dancing idiots ARE dead!"

Monday, March 17, 2008

Frozen land

In less than 2 weeks I will be here...



I never dreamed that I would visit Antarctica (King George Island, to be exact). Now I'm going with a band I once tried to kill with a bottle, back when we couldn't draw enough people to a show to feed ourselves. If I don't get some up close time with a penguin I'm going to be pissed.

Luckily we will not be heading too far into the continent where shit can get kind of hectic....



Is it possible that I will be the first Puerto Rican in Antarctica? I will definitely be making an attempt to be the first person to wear a Hawaiian shirt in Antarctica. We definitely wouldn't be the first to play a rock concert there however.

edit : I will not be the first person to wear a Hawaiian shirt in Antarctica.


Dammit to hell.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Crazy and being insanity

I know it's taken FOR-FUCKING-EVER for me to write a new blog. Give me a break, I've been insanely busy. Okay, maybe not "insanely" busy, but, I have been to quite a few countries since we've last spoken.

One of them was Japan.

I don't know what it is about this magical land. Going there is like going to the near future. Somewhere about 2 and a half years from now. The kind of 'futuristic' that will make you go, "oh, I could totally see that happening in a couple of years!" That is, of course, if you can decipher any of the crazy signs that seem to have been written using Google Translate. For a country that's so advanced, you'd think they would have at least one good English translator hanging around.

Here's something that I think is trying to instruct people on using the train ticket machine :



As if that weren't enough it's followed later on by this sign, which I think is supposed to clarify the first one...



I would totally pay 1000 yen to have my face cut...



...and I would definitely go tanning here...



Finally, there's this shirt. While walking around Osaka marveling at the many clothing shops in Amerikamura (AKA American Village, which by the way, has very little to do with America other than having a statue of liberty atop one of it's buildings) I came across this very amazing and very small shirt. I would have bought it for myself or someone else, except it was size "I" and I'm pretty sure I don't know what that means.



If you can't quite read that it says this : "Violation Hamburger. Rhyme Island Hamburger it will make you crazy and being insanity rym"

Sure. The only thing making me being insanity is trying to understand what the hell any of it means. And, don't even get me started on the "L" and "R" mix-up thing.


Still, I love it and can't wait to go back. It's good to be back on the blog horse. If you're not satisfied with this post just take a look at this Japanese puppy. Everyone loves puppies...

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Fuck having arteries...

... we have deep fried cheeseburgers!



Seriously...... DO. WANT.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Footloose!!

I gotta tell ya, I didn't intend for this blog to become a social commentary forum, complete with video clips, about the state of American media and how we view ourselves and how the average television viewer in this country puts way too much stock into the opinions of people like Oprah, Barbara Walters, and Tyra Banks. But, sometimes I see something ridiculous like the following and it makes me want to jump through the screen and strangle these people for poisoning the minds of people like my mom who casually watch this crap and start to believe that dancing after having some (okay, in this case its 15) drinks is an indicator of a bigger problem like alcoholism. You know what is the indicator? The 15 drinks.

Yeah, I've danced a few times in my life while drunk, too. Guess I gotta go where Amy Winehouse didn't want to go, but eventually did.

The Huffington Post : Tyra Banks Chastises a Drunk-Dancer.

Sorry, I can't for the life of me figure out how to embed this video onto my page.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

CLASSIC DIAZ : Juggalos In My Neighborhood! (orig. 4.29.07)

editor's note : When I originally wrote this post in April I had yet to hear an Insane Clown Posse song. To date I have heard "Chicken Huntin' " and something about bugs on nuts. Now I kind of wished more pictures were taken.

The Insane Clown Posse is easily the most childish, amateur, talentless, and pointless excuse for music I have ever heard....... actually, that's exactly what I would probably say if I had even heard ONE of their songs. I, however, have not, but I have seen their fans and, ohhhhh boooooy, do these people speak volumes not only for the band they rep, but for themselves.

For those unfamiliar with the band their fanbase they're easily identifiable by their white and black face paint, oversized hockey jerseys emblazoned with the groups logo, (mostly) oversized basketball shorts, tiny to medium length dreads, and ridiculously colored hair. Another key characteristic is their dedication to the Michigan based soft drink Faygo. The band apparently sprays cases of it on their audience. The kids love to drink it, carry it around with them, and as one especially stupid one did, pour it on themselves. Oh yeah, and they are all about as brilliant as a two by four. These are the juggalos. Juggalettes is the proper term for the females. They are devoted followers of the words of Insane Clown Posse, a band of which I have heard none of their words, and I'd like to keep it that way, please.

Just yesterday I had the pleasure of having my neighborhood overrun by these morons. This happens every time there is a show at Congress Theater. The entire stretch of Milwaukee Avenue from Western to California gets mobbed with all manner of idiots crowding the local food places, leaving garbage all over the street, and taking all the good parking spots. CVS' parking lot often becomes a makeshift lot for the Congress, since it doesn't have a parking lot of it's own.

Since they were in town, Ross and I decided to head down to the Congress while the juggalos were waiting in line to see what it's all about and snap a few pictures. Lucky for us, the juggalos were more than happy to have their pictures taken. Lucky for you I'm posting them right here.

This young man with the green hair had something written on his knuckles and laughed at Ross when he didn't know what it said or meant. We tried to alter the brightness on this one to see what was on written on his hands, but from what we could tell it just said SBBB BBB. Fuck it, who cares, right?
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The blue faced couple right here seem to be in some sort of discomfort from their face makeup. I'm assuming they're a couple because they're both wearing the same blue face makeup. The dude with the McDonald's cup actually yelled out, "MCDONALDS BITCH!!!" I wonder if he was super pissed that McD's doesn't carry Faygo.
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In this photo, Ross seemed to have gotten them riled up. Take note of the "gang" signs that some of them are throwing up. Also, blue faced girl slyly giving us the finger. Finally, there is McD's band still obsessing over his soda.


Further on down the line we met these people. I know you can't tell from the pictures but the streets and sidewalk were actually sticky from people dumping Faygo all over the place.


This guy, while seemingly participating in the World's Dumbest Dumbshit contest, was also very large. He seemed old enough to know better than to be part of this shit.


Here's a truck filled with Faygo, drink of choice for any self respecting Juggalo/Juggalette. Ross commented, "can you imagine how many bees there are going to be all over the place tomorrow?" Unreal.


So the thing that sucks about completely unprepared to document this carnival of idiocy is that we didn't have a way to capture sound bites of their conversations and random shit they would yell out. I'll try to re-create some Juggalo conversation right here for you, right now, so you don't feel left out.

Juggalo kid (to a guy walking by on the street) : "WOO WOO, You a juggalo?"
Guy on the street : "No, I'm just walking by."

Juggalo after the show : "If you lost your right shoe find a fucking other shoe and stop being a bitch".

Then there was this...... A young girl of about 17 wearing nothing but a bra, saggy baggy pants that hung half way down her ass exposing her space material looking thong. Her pants had the little hatchet guy from their logo and the letters ICP on it. Her hair was shaved around the sides and back, and the top length of hair was pulled into 2 poorly dyed pink pigtails. To complete this look she had some poorly applied super cheap face makeup that made her look like a clown hooker. A true, and utter piece of garbage, straight out of a dumpster.

The thing is, even if you're a juggalo, you have to wait in line at CVS to buy your soda, along with the other people buying BBQ items, tampons, or in my case, some Gatorade. I had the displeasure of listening to their loud and moronic conversation about juggalo gatherings and some picture of a guy named Germ while standing behind them. The two Mexican guys couldn't stop staring at her half hanging out ass. When she jumped into the line one commented to the other, "mira esto!" (Meaning "Look at this")

Fuck it... I can't continue with it... here's the picture


I learned alot about Juggalos and about myself yesterday. I learned that if I ever had a kid who decided to choose this as their lifestyle I would probably disown them. I'd rather raise a child molester. I'd rather my kids end up homeless. I'd rather.... you get the picture.

Thanks to Ross for being brave enough to get close to a juggalo and snap some photos!!