Thursday, December 27, 2007

Doooods...Best Name EVER!!!

I can't believe the names of bands kids listen to these days. What happened to names like Black Flag, The Clash, The Who, The Jam, etc.?? The list goes on endlessly. I guess we ran out of "The" names so we're stuck with this crap.

Lets review some of the worst of 2007!!!

Cute Is What We Aim For - There was actually a group of dudes (of questionable sexual orientation) who sat down with each other after "jamming" or however they got their start and decided that a good name for their band would be "Cute Is What We Aim For". Suck.

The Devil Wears Prada - I'm not sure, but wasn't this a movie that came out THIS YEAR!?! You couldn't have waited guys? Why not "Casablanca" or maybe "Weekend At Bernie's 2"??

Cobra Starship - First there was Jefferson Airplane. Then there was Jefferson Starship. Then just Starship. Then there was all over print hoodies and flat brimmed caps. Then there was Samuel L. Jackson and "Snakes On A Plane". Then there was Cobra Starship. You see where this is going? It's not a good place, I can assure you. Before you know it you're wearing fake "bling" and rockin' a keytar in your band.

Plain White T's - This one really bugs me because the official name of the band includes the apostrophe. The apostrophe indicates the possessive nature of the subject "Plain White T". This name clearly isn't that well thought out. Its supposed to read "Plain White Tees", as in t-shirts. You can argue all you want that it refers to something else, but the truth can be found online, specifically in this snippet I pulled from the Star Gazette :

"We started the band in 1997 when we were just kids coming out of high school. We had some ideas for band names, but they were all pretty bad. Plain White T's was just kind of the least bad out of all of them."

Here's a tip to all you would-bes out there : don't name/start a band when you're just out of high school.

Children 18:3 - That's not a bible verse. There's no 'Book of Children'. Just sayin'. Oh and your music FUCKING SUCKS.

Drop Dead, Gorgeous - In addition to already being a movie title and a cliche phrase, the whole die-kill-yourself-suicide-stabbing-blood thing when naming your band or your songs is so played out I can (and probably at some point will) write a seperate blog about it.

Shh... This Is A Library - I would say something but I don't want to talk over all that reading going on.

Boys Like Girls - O RLY? I guess I can now name my new band "Brian Likes Bacon". Or how about "Grass Is Green"? Maybe, in this specific case, these dudes should have given it a little more thought.

If you need proof that any of these bands exist please contact me. I can send you the appropriate links. There's no fucking way I'm linking to any of this nonsense on here.

(update/editor's note : I'm fully aware I was in an awful ska band with an equally awful name. That was over 10 years ago. I'm 31 now. I'm now allowed to make fun of kids as much as I want.)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Cats and utensils

I really hate cats. I hate most animals. As if it isn't bad enough, this woman taught her cat to eat with a fork and chopsticks. Rather than just have a freak, creepy cat that can do something solely human after much prodding, she has decided that her cat (read : this woman) would like to meet Tiger Woods and have dinner with Oprah. Oh, and her cat wants to be a movie star. Because she can, ya know, eat ice cream with a spoon. Did I mention.... it's a fucking cat?!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

To Answer Your Questions

I often get asked why I hate Los Angeles. I can finally show you a video of the kind of nonsense that goes down in that city. I'm not sure if this is NSFW. I can assure you it's NSFMS (Not safe for my sanity).

People wait an hour in line for this kind of shit...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Rule/Suck '07

This has become my December tradition. Things that ruled and sucked in the past year.

- my girlfriend. How anyone can tolerate my nonsense is beyond me.
- Japan 2 times, Australia 2 times, New Zealand 2 times, England 3 times, Europe 3 times, Russia, South Africa, Singapore, Indonesia, Philippines, Mexico City, etc. 6 months later and I already need new passport pages.
- having the world's easiest job. I kind of wish this one wasn't coming to an end.
- Rick and I moving
- Rock Rock in Osaka, Japan. Top 5 in the best nights ever on tour. All time. Hands down.
- My new TV. I'm already replacing it most likely.
- Hot Doug's, Kuma's Corner, BW3, Pepper Lunch, Lazo's, and Hooters. If I could just eat at these 6 places in succession, over and over I would be totally happy.
- Every Time I Die- The Big Dirty. I didn't even know I liked these guys. Keith and Jordan Buckley killed it this year.
- "family vacation" in Los Angeles. I kind of had fun this time around.
- The Oasis DVD, "Lord Don't Slow Me Down"
- Bowling in the penthouse suite at the Hard Rock Las Vegas. I can't believe this actually exists. When people talk about how wasteful and ridiculous America is, this is what they are referring to.
- This video :

- Not giving a fuck about anything.
- Act Right. 2008 is going to be our year. You heard it here first.
- Superbad. "What like... a man-dick?"
- the DVR
- My iPhone. I hacked it to work on T-Mobile. Fuck all y'all!
- my bank account
- The Office, Kitchen Nightmares. Gordon Ramsey and John Kransinski are my new favorite people alive.
- Me. As usual.

- Having my laptop, iPod, passport, camera, keys, and checkbook stolen from a hotel lobby in London, England. And everyone wonders why I hate England.
- The writer's strike. Yeah, I really did NOT enjoy watching new episodes of The Office. Thanks assholes.
- Missing the VMAs.. It was for a good reason, but it still sucks. I kind of wanted to party with Kanye and Rhianna.
- Airports. I saw a WHOLE LOT of them this year.
- The Four Seasons in Beverly Hills, CA. I'm going to get a lot of shit for this one, but you know what... I have earned the right to complain about luxury hotels. They're pretty worthless. I thought someone was going to hand me a vacuum and put me to work when I walked in. Super cracka!
- Professional roadies AKA lifers. I don't care about lights, rigging, video screens, pyro, etc... I'm sure you don't either. What happened to rock n roll?
- Radio DJs. Someone needs to round these people up in a room and kill them. All of them.
- DJs in general. There's about 4 of you who are doing anything creative. Everyone else is just playing the same lame stuff over and over. Do they just hand out DJ nights to anyone with an iPod or a MacBook now?
- Buying a laptop in England. This was an annoying experience. I now own a computer with a "£" in place of a "$" and a giant power plug. Great.
- Radio X-Mas concerts. I have always dreamed of doing a show with Avril Lavigne, Lifehouse, and that guy who sings that "Suicidal" song.

I'm sure there was more. I just want to get this thing done.

Monday, December 10, 2007

CLASSIC DIAZ : This Sucks : The Musical (and some things I shouldn't have to re-explain) (orig. 11.02.06)

How is it that no matter what I want to do there's always naysayers in the mix?

In the following Friends A,B, and C do not represent any specific friends of mine, nor do they represent the same people from example to example. Everyone's got Friends A,B,and C. Read on :

- I would like to go Bar A. Friend A says Bar A "sucks". Friend B agrees that Bar A sucks. Friend C, while admitting that he/she has never been to Bar A, will concede that they "heard it sucks". Conversation will go back and forth, generally poking fun at me for suggesting such an outlandish idea, and then friends A,B,C and myself will go to the Green Eye which we can all agree does not suck.

- I would like to eat some food. I find what appears to be a decent (not really kick ass, but tasty) Thai place near my house one day while on a random search for lunch. I suggest this to Friend A, who proceeds to tell me that he/she won't eat there because "I got sick from eating there last time. That place sucks." This is a person who's diet consists of snacks, beer and drugs. Weird that you can't digest your food. Friend B joins in and agrees that place is "tasteless and gross" and therefore also "sucks". Friend C doesn't care because all he/she can eat anyway is bread, due to what may be a legitimate medical condition. Conversation/argument ensues about the merits of said Thai place for 10 minutes. We finally decide to just get Hot Doug's instead. Friend C eats a bun. *

- I am going to a show. Its rare that I do this, but I'm going to spend my hard earned cash and be a civilian at a concert. The show is going to cost me 15 dollars and takes place at the Double Door. Friend A immediately makes fun of me for going to see this band saying, "I used to listen to them forever ago, but now they suck". Friend B is overwhelmed by the amount of money I'm spending on one show. In Friend B's world $15 can feed a family of 4 for a week. Friend B also expresses their distaste for the Double Door because they got kicked out of there for being excessively drunk, so now that place will forever "suck". Friend C just wants to know why I spend so much time in Wicker Park with mystery friends that they don't know about, and me not inviting them "sucks". I procrastinate while I listen to everyone throw the word "sucks" around a bunch. We eventually buy a 30 pack, sitting around with the television on mute while we listen to and discuss earlier albums of said artist which do not "suck". I save 11 dollars.

- I have to go to work. For me work is 5 miles away at the Riv or The Aragon Ballroom. Friends A, B, and C all get upset when I'm about to leave for work right before everyone's about to go hang out. They all tell me "the Riv/Aragon sucks". Yes, I agree it sucks. I agree with this one, but can we not dwell on this... I have work in half an hour.

Speaking of which.... I feel like I re-explain what I do for a job while I'm at home probably 5 times a day. And, its not like I meet 5 new people a day who are instantly intrigued by my line of work (believe me, its not intriguing). I'm talking about the same people all the time - friends a, b, and c. I know what they all do for a living and the kind of hours that they work. Why can't they remember mine? Why do I have to explain where I'm going and why I have to be there so early/late in the day?

And, THAT, my friends, sucks!

* this scenario plays itself out mostly when Asian cuisine is suggested, because apparently the stereotype that Chinese food is made of cats and garbage still flies.

Friday, December 7, 2007

CLASSIC DIAZ : irony, necessity, or other? (orig. 7.9.06)

While I was sitting around watching a movie today I noticed that my apartment is filled with an inordinate amount of trinkets, posters, and general objects of an ironic nature. This basically means they were purchased because they were either funny for some reason, pertained to an inside joke, or are somehow outdated or useless. Anything from art to a shirt can be ironic.

How or who acquired these things is a mystery to me since they almost entirely belong to my roommates. I started to really investigate them and wonder, do we really need these things? And... just how funny are they? I made a list of a sampling of things and tried to decide if it was ironic or necessary. Then there's a weird grey area of stuff that we'll just call "other". Let's see what we've got!

- Astroturf. Maggie decided it would be a good idea to purchase a large square of astroturf to put underneath the two tables by the couches. I guess it's kitschy in a way that says, "I no longer want to sweep the floor, so I'll just shake out the astroturf every so often". VERDICT : ironic

- Wall mounted key holder made of metal antlers. We all know how funny hunting is. Stuffing and mounting the head of an animal is a real hoot. Hang your keys from it and it's a laugh a minute. Oh, did I mention the antlers are metal and about a 1/4 the size of regular deer antlers? VERDICT : ironic

- Mini poster of R. Kelly. Most of us here appreciate R.'s Trapped In The Closet saga. We really do. Truly an urban masterpiece. VERDICT : other (kind of cool)

- 3 vignette paintings of horses over the closet. Yeah, yeah, we like horses. Hilarious. There's that one video of that guy... and ... nevermind... VERDICT : ironic

- Rhiannon's handmade Christmas card with horse pictures in it. This is a double whammy. On one hand we're sending each other Christmas cards when we saw each other almost every day (or used to), but then there's the horse pictures. VERDICT : ironic

- Huey Lewis giving the thumbs up poster. This one is a carry over from my last apartment. This hung over the kitchen for almost 2 years and is now prominently featured at the end of the hallway. I may be the only person in this house who actually listens to H.L. and The News. VERDICT (based on everyone else's opinion of Huey) : ironic

- 2 deer lawn ornaments. One of them is wearing a bandana. They are both spraypainted with the word "dirtparade". VERDICT : ironic

- "GO YOU RAIDERS" penant. I don't know that any of us either know who the Raiders are or were, or were fans of the team. VERDICT : ironic

- Gag lighter. I have been fooled by this thing so many fucking times. I refuse to use any lighter that's not already in my pocket now. All this thing does is shock you when you press the lever down. It doesn't actually produce any flame. I have watched people try to repeatadly use it while drunk or stoned. VERDICT : stupid

- Rabbit ears for the TV. I don't know why I felt the need to include this, but I guess since we don't have cable ... VERDICT : necessity

- Coors Light 18 pack. This is an Old Style/PBR house so this could be construed as ironic since it's generally been deemed uncool by the anti-beer snobs to drink Coors Light. But, since the objective is to get drunk, then I have to create a new category for this. This is my blog so I can create as many categories as I please. VERDICT : ironic necessity

- Lauren. VERDICT : ironic

- Guns N Roses poster. Iron Maiden flag. Some would instinctively view this as ironic, but how wrong they would be. This is a house of much raging, thrashing, and rocking. Plus the Iron Maiden flag is in the window for all the neighborhood to see. Some weird homeless-y dude rolled by on a bike on 6/6/06 and yelled out to me, "IRON MAIDEN, number of the beast". Rock on dude! VERDICT : necessity

- Danzig, the cat. This poor thing was left behind by his owner. He has fleas now and is forced to spend what little bit of life he may have in him outdoors. VERDICT : sad

- Shitty paintings and pictures of owls. I guess when you want to "class up" a place you throw a couple of these around. The fact remains, though, NO ONE likes these. The one who's resting place is above the record shelf is especially hideous. VERDICT : ironic

- Picture of me on the refrigerator with a koala. I love holding animals. VERDICT : adorable

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

CLASSIC DIAZ : KFC Meltdown (orig. 6.2.05)

(editor's note : I no longer live by this KFC location. I do however eat the shit out of fried chicken. Constantly. I had Popeye's last night.)

I live right around the corner from a Kentucky Fried Chicken/Pizza Hut. It's pretty awesome because they have delicious foods like Snackers, Popcorn Chicken and Country Fried Steak (wednesday only). As much as I love their delicious chicken and wonderful side dishes I cannot turn a blind eye to their incredibly poor service. And, it's not the whole KFC (affectionately pronounced "kifk") chain that's a problem. It's just this one location.

They are constantly on the verge of shutting down for good in my eyes.

Anytime I have ever gone in there the same scenario plays itself out. You wait on line for about 10 minutes before anyone even LOOKS at you. No exaggeration. I went with Ryan yesterday and he made 2 phone calls before they even took his order and we were the only people waiting. When he asked what the country fried steak looked like, the girl behind the counter WALKED AWAY and started to put together someone else's order. That someone else came up looking a little nervous and confused as to why she didn't have her food yet. It appeared she had been waiting for quite a while. Upon inspecting her food she realized that the mashed potatoes had been forgotten. It took her another full minute to get them. After that debacle, Ryan asked if the country fried steak was any good to which the girl responding with much vocal and facial attitude, "I don't know, I don't eat that shit". Ummm. Double u, tee, eff?

Finally it was my turn to order after a good 15 minutes of waiting to be acknowledged. I was informed, after requesting mac and cheese, they did not in fact have any. This is another ongoing probably at this location. No matter what you need they don't have it. Crispy Strips? 10 minute wait. Sausage Pizza? Not today. And, God forbid they need to go to that Snackers station and slap some lettuce, chicken and mayo on a bun. You may be collecting pension by the time you get it. I seriously have been told on several occasions that they didn't have certain items or, get this, no utensils. No utensils? Really? At a restaurant?

Keep in mind that we were the only people waiting when we got there. The only other people in the KFC were the two people who had probably been there for an hour before us waiting on their wrong order. It's not like they were bogged down with customers or they were doing drive thru orders. There were 4 people working the kitchen and 1 person who appeared to be cleaning. Somehow this translates into extended wait times and wrong orders. It's mind blowing.

You'd think with all this down time that at least the tables and stuff would be clean. Not a chance. There were crumbs everywhere and the two garbage cans were overflowing. 5 people and not one of them could take the time to clean the place, let alone fill the straw dispenser. When a friend asked for a straw the day before, the same attitude girl handed her a handful of straws and motioned towards the dispenser, basically making Lex do HER job!! Holy fucking amazing! The STRAWS were too much for her to handle!

So anyway.. we FINALLY get our food after waiting upwards of 20 minutes, and I must say it was damn delicious. You can't really beat $1.99 for CFS, mashed potatoes, wedges, and a biscuit. We noticed that quite a line had formed behind us and it was taking equally as long for these people to get their food. In fact the woman waiting behind me when I was ordering was STILL waiting for her food when we were finished eating. She continued to wait until we got up to leave, and then returned to the counter because something was missing...

This is not a one time thing. This is every time I'm in there. Without fail. It is easily the worst run fast food place in the history of possibly ever. I cannot believe I subject myself to this once a week. There are so many other places I could eat. I guess I'm just lazy.

I have no idea why I wrote this. I think I'm going to go over there in a few minutes.

I'm sorry KFC. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

CLASSIC DIAZ : Wearing Slayer t-shirts = I listen to Slayer (orig. 9.23.04)

EDITORS NOTE : This is the first in a series of old blog reposts from my MySpace blog. I'm only posting what I find funny. Not what YOU like. This is about me, not you.

Did I miss the class or memo that was handed out where it said it was okay for idiots to ironically wear metal t-shirts? If you're wearing a Motley Crue t-shirt and they come on the jukebox you had damn well better know every word to that song. If you spend money on that shirt and it wasn't at a Motley Crue show chances are you are a douchebag. The same goes for the following bands : Iron Maiden, Slayer, Guns and Fucking Roses, Metallica, Dio, AC/DC, Megadeth, and to a much lesser extent Def Leppard. Fuck, even Cinderella, Poison and Skid Row deserve better. I mean, in reality NO ONE listened to that crap close enough to warrant (no pun intended) a clothing purchase of said band. So, that makes you a fucking double poseur.

You know, I don't wear the t-shirts of bands that came 15 years before I was into their music, or even into any music in general. If I did, I'd wear Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin shirts and we all know that no one looks cool in a Pink Floyd t-shirt. I don't care who you are. Guess what? If you're 20 years old right now and you're wearing a vintage Guns and Roses T shirt from the 1988 tour ... YOU WEREN'T THERE, you were 4 years old. You probably paid 10x the amount that it's worth and you don't even like them. You just think it looks cool.

Ironic metal t-shirts are not only slowly but surely becoming the new trucker hat, but are also replacing "that guy/girl"* as the NEW "that guy/girl"*. I'd much rather see a guy/girl wearing a Radiohead T-shirt at a Radiohead show. At least I know that person actually listens to Radiohead. It's about as fashionable as pointy shoes. If you rock all three styles together (trucker hat, ironic metal T, and pointy shoes) or any combination of the two you are headed for social and fashion disaster. HEED MY WARNING! Stick to your Avenged Sevenfold t-shirts! Your kids will thank you for it when THEY become fashion disasters in the future!

* - definition : 'that guy/girl' (n.) someone who wears the shirt of the band they are going to see in concert. a total rock and roll faux-pas made slightly more acceptable in current times by abuse and misuse of rock and roll irony on t-shirts and hats.

this new thing I'm working on

Now that I have 4 days off in L.A., I can finally work on this blog that I have been putting off since the beginning of time. In this scenario, "time" represents the beginning of the summer, when I decided to re-post a lot of my old blogs from on an actual blog site, instead of on MySpace.