Sunday, April 27, 2008

Does this technique actually work?

I don't know if this would work or not, but I guess this is why Motley Crue used to put their wangs in burritos before they went home to their girlfriends. But, let's face it, if you're sticking it in a warm, sour cream filled burrito it's probably because you just actually enjoying pleasuring yourself with Mexican food.

This video is NSFW I guess. I don't have a job where things like this are inappropriate in the "office". I look at this video as more of an advertisement for iPhones and potential burrito fucking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the video for "Smell Yo Dick" by Riskay....

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Art : no one cares

Over 2000 people completely ignored this piece by supposed "important" artist Luc Tuymans. You know what? Of the 4% of people who actually stopped to look at it, .01% probably even knew who this person is... In his own country! Which is to say, that if even that many people in the world are familiar with Luc Tuymans' work, it doesn't make him any more important than any other artist who has ever lived.

Don't get me wrong. I own art. I own prints and photographs and silk screens of various things. I just know it's silly to place this incredible value on it. Of course the curators of his shows think he's a genius and of course the caretakers of museums where he has installations think that his work is changing people's perception of art and of the world. If I thought inside that small of a box I would think that I was making life-changing guitar repairs every night.

Anyway... here's a video of 2000+ people ignoring a supposed genius. Art sucks.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Geography Lesson

Oddly enough, it's somehow accurate except for the fact that Africa is completely missing.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Nuge Hates Basketball

A few days ago while waiting for the Diversey bus to take me to a very unpleasantly long visit with my tax preparer (that's a whole OTHER blog), I started reading the many fliers in the window of the church on the corner.

For some very strange reason this church is obsessed with hunting. Judging by the pictures I could see that they offer a great number of youth oriented camping, outdoors, and hunting trips. One of the testimonials for these hunting retreats came from none other than the Motor City Madman himself, Ted Nugent.

I've always been torn about what to think about Ted Nugent. On one hand I respect his right to hate vegetarians (I deplore the concept of it), hunt animals, and say what everyone else wants to say but can't because they're not The Nuge. On the other hand he is also a marginally talented, gun-toting, redneck who pretty much stands for everything that I can't stand, including stating that he gets a "full predator spritual erection" from hunting "small children [and] scared women". So, I guess I kind of hate him in reality... although I stand firm on the vegetarian thing. Read here for a doctor's take on it : Why I'm Not A Vegetarian

ANYWAY, here's what Ted has to say about the youth of Chicago and what he'd rather see them doing, according the one page testimonial in the window of the corner church by my house.

"I am proud of what the church and Pastor Dan are doing. Bringing the Spirit of The Wild to the windy city. Chicago youth need other alternatives besides basketball, xbox, and gang banging." Which translated means Mr. Cat Scratch Fever believes that the solution is to get those 'bangers off the street with their guns and get them maybe, ya know, hunting women or something.

Also... basketball? Really? No comment on that. No comment at all.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Antarctic Fail

As some of you may already know, me and my crew of camera guys, tour personnel, millionaires, management, a Guinness Book Of World Records adjudicator, photographer and more did not make it to King George Island in Antarctica. Instead, due to weather conditions preventing us from flying in, we were holed up in Punta Arenas, Chile. A city seemingly over run by children and stray dogs.

It was in the news, it was on the TV, on the internet, etc. After nearly going to jail in Santiago for broken drums (don't ask), it was definitely a huge disappointment and the resultant four days spent in Punta Arenas turned slowly into a living nightmare as local kids in increasing numbers took to standing outside our tiny hotel at all hours of the night and day. They would scream at us, yell out band members' names, throw things through our open windows, sneak in and knock on doors and leave notes, take photos of us eating, follow us around the very small city, and basically act in complete wonderment that something as improbable as one of their favorite bands was in their town which had probably never in history hosted a rock show.

Sometimes they would follow us around. By us, I mean me, our photographer Tom, our soundguy Kyle, and the camera operator Ritesh. Take note of them screaming for someone who ISN'T EVEN WITH US.

Other times they would just hang out in the alley behind the hotel and wait for HOURS for ANYONE to show their face or even give them the slightest attention...

Even getting into a car to go somewhere (which only really happened when we went to see penguins) meant a 25+ person crowd early in the morning....

It was starting to feel like we lived there and may possibly be stuck there permanently. We started visiting Abu Gosch which was the local supermarket.

We bought essentials.
chilean cereals
lifestyle hippies!
henry and the hippies

Once our stomaches were full of snacks and beer we cruised around town to see what the southern most continental city in the world had to offer...


We window shopped for metal records and shirts. They were closed.

Of course Kyle found the Masons Lodge.
kyle and the masons

We made friends with the locals...
with a homeless guy

...and ran away from others

Somedays we were forced to just drink the sorrows away using local questionable alcohol (at a Guinness world record pace)

All in all, it was a weird experience. It made me realize that I could never become desensitized to my own name. I couldn't hear my name being screamed over and over again to the point of absolute madness. It even continued on after most or all of the band had left.

Most of all the entire experience could be summed up in a popular 2-word phrase that's used a lot in non-english speaking countries when they can't or just won't do what you need/ask of them... "not possible". This is usually after they tell you it's "no problem", which may go on the list as 2nd most popular english phrase amongst non-english speakers.

The final slap in the face was arriving at the Punta Arenas airport early to check in to our long overdue flights home and finding that the ticket counter people were OUT TO LUNCH!! Well, "no problem"! I'll just check in using the machine. Oh, wait, that's "not possible"....

One last zing from the country that just wouldn't quit.... See ya 'round Chile!!