How could I forget?

It's been ages since I posted anything here. I sort of ran of out of cool, weird internet things. Not to mention, I started to realize that I was a miserable, cynical person incapable of feeling compassion for anyone at all. After mocking everything from Canadian television to Juggalos to Kanye West, I figured it was time to take a break from the world of blogging. My 15 followers were extremely pissed.

My 2000+ Twitter followers however were not, since I continue to post every day, ridiculous minutiae that no one in their right mind should care about. And, on those off days when I'm feeling extra spicy, I have to field tons of @ replies from morons I have never met who feel the need to tell me that an opinion can be wrong. Your complaints have fallen on my hearing impaired, too-old-to-give-a-shit ears. Your replies may end up being the basis for a series of "can you believe these idiots?" posts. Like everything else in my life - I'm working on it.

Well... every time I take a little break from my globe trotting I find time to get back onto this thing and give it another go 'round for a few months. Expect a few updates really soon.

To answer a question I did get a long time ago : No, I will never have a Tumblr. Old Man Diaz likes Blogspot. You kids and your fancy Tumblrs are for the birds.

Kanye West x Patrick Swayze x Michael Jackson

I want this preserved on the internet for years to come. The best 4 hours of internet wildfire comedy I have experienced in a while. The best part is that this joke won't even make sense in a couple of months without having to go, "Oh yeah....because Taylor Swift... and Kanye.. and then Swayze died." Man, Swayze died... R.I.P. Dalton. Pain don't hurt.

Jesus hates roadies

I don't see one on here for guitar techs so basically Jesus is all, "FUCK YOU GUITAR TECHS. YOUR WORK IS WITH SATAN!"

Jesus...With You Always!

Punk, punk, and more punk!!

Please find out what TV show this is. Also, find me a believable British accent for this guy. This is what I think of "punk" kids today, what with their fancy hot tubs, wet bars, and fireman's poles...

(via Street Boners and TV Carnage)

Williamsburg bathroom scene

I'm pretty sure I saw this go down in a bar in Brooklyn this weekend...



(via Everything Is Terrible)

Lil' Wayne can't "fuck every girl in the world"

Multi-platinum selling hip-hop artist Lil' Wayne has expressed his carnal desire to "fuck every girl in the world" on his track 'Every Girl'. While this is truly a noble goal often sought after but never really achieved before, Lil' Wayne has been known to surprise us time after time. Maybe it's true. Maybe he can fulfill his desire to have sex with every known female on planet Earth. After all, we're not the same as him. He has expressed before that he is a Martian, and his face tattoo does tell us that he IS music.

Here's the song if you don't know what I'm talking about ...




After some calculation it was decided that this task was completely impossible. Assuming that Wayne lives to be 72 (a generous estimate considering the amount of weed he smokes and cough syrup/alcohol concoctions he drinks), and that he is able to maintain his sexual stamina until the minute of his death, also not accounting for births, deaths, and other mitigating factors surrounding all the females on Earth, he would have to have intercourse with a staggering number of women.

Lil' Wayne, age 27, would have to have sex with 243,531 girls a DAY starting pretty much right now to reach his goal of having sex with the planet's roughly 3 billion women.



I'm sorry Weezy. I wanted to believe, but numbers are numbers. It just can't be done.

Should have done this years ago

Why I hate living in the present

The other day, at my job, I had some friends who wanted to go watch an opening band on our tour. I thought it would be fun, since I don't often spend time in the crowd, to watch the band from front of house and watch the crowd have fun watching them and just get lost in the moment. This is when I noticed that most of the crowd was holding up cameras and cell phones attempting to capture video and photos of the show. Immediately this brought sadness to me as it made me realize one of the very things I held dear about attending a rock concert had been completely lost forever. That's the art of memory. Being able to recount an experience without the use of photographs, or videos, or blogs, or Twitter, is 100 percent a dead art.

I fought with myself about this after I witnessed this display. Is this just something that the youth of today are doing? Is it completely impossible for them to enjoy something and take the home the experience without there being 100 grainy blurry photos for them to peruse? Then I opened up my Twitter client on my phone and was inundated with messages about a show featuring a band that had just gotten back together for the first time in 4 years. Which a) 4 years? not that big a deal.. give me like 10 years and I'm all ears. b) these are grown men "tweeting" this, not excitable teenagers. They come from where I come from. Same ethical and socio-cultural background.

Why is the world in a constant pursuit of validation from their peers and their collection of anonymous followers? Social networking has created this unreal world of people who's worth is measured by followers, friends, and contacts. Now when an event happens in someone's world it automatically becomes public domain. This is what pains me. I can no longer experience anything without someone automatically asking if I "twittered" it or if I have pictures or if blogged about it. It sucks.

30+ years ago when Paul Simonon* smashed his bass onstage at a Clash show in NYC there was ONE camera there to capture it. ONE. You didn't hear about people going home to post on the (then non existent) internet, "OMG DID YOU SEE JOE STRUMMER* BREAK HIS GUTAR ON STAGE AT TEH CLASH SHOOOOOW LOOOOOLZ". 15+ years ago I personally witnessed Nirvana play one of their most legendary shows in NYC at Roseland and one of the most defining moments of the show is a SINGLE photograph that MANY people have seen probably at this point. That one moment, that single part of a very infamous show, that famous black and red sweater, was all captured for all times sake not by a million cameras and phones being waved in the air. It was an historic moment very specifically captured by a photographer there to document the unknown. These days it seems, in large part due to technology, that everyone is a documentarian, and everyone is a critic and a photographer, and a videographer. No one can leave a show without there being some physical proof that it happened then and there, and even worse yet, now with the ability to let everyone who knows you (or not) exactly how it all went down as its going down.

For once in your lives take home a memory and cherish it. Let something that you saw or heard affect you in some way instead of making it some sort of point of validation. Yes, you saw a celebrity. WOOOO. I see celebrities every day of my life. I work for some. My life isn't any more validated than yours when you see the EXACT SAME PEOPLE. It's okay. They're all made of the same cells and blood and hair and skin as you.

Eventually there is going to be no such thing as personal memory. It will all be collective memory based on Flickr photo pools and Twitter posts and blogs. No one will want to listen to an account of how something went down without a digital picture album to follow it up and 300 comments from ABSOLUTE strangers about every second of what you JUST experienced.

Everything is up for review at all times. Every time you open yourself up for validation you open yourself up for judgment. Openness to the world is choking creativity and more importantly stunting creative and emotional growth. Stop letting the world know what you're doing at every second. Leave the crowd wanting more. Blah blah blah blah... the old guy said what? Dude.. TOTALLY twitter that..


* - contrary to collective popular belief/mistake Joe Strummer is NOT the person on the cover of London Calling by the Clash. It's Paul Simonon, and I figured this would be easy enough to figure out since the instrument being smashed is a BASS and not a fucking guitar, but I guess we're all too stupid to think about anything for a second. I give humans way too much credit.

Poetry (and karate) in motion

When I think grace, agility, stealth, flexibility, and strength I don't think of ninjas or olympians. I think of awkwardly skinny, pock marked 20-something year old Russians tooling about in the woods in denim jackets and white mid-tops.

Please observe as Pasha shows you exactly HOW he can and WILL kick your ass.

Running out of chicken

There's nothing even vaguely racist about how this was presented...



Also, Happy 60th birthday Dad.

Business cards

Relax dude, it's still just a business card.

A Great Urban Mystery Solved!!

After much careful research and consideration I have uncovered what many of us have already thought to be true. Fred Durst was the leprechaun in the tree in Crichton, Alabama!!

Amateur sketch of leprechaun :


Fred Durst's profile photo from Twitter :

Batman Drunk Dialing

This is painfully stupid and awesome. This marks my second posting of a youtube video featuring Batman.

Tweeting, etc.

Last summer I signed up for this thing called Twitter. At the time, me and my 5 or so followers shared random snippets of our day in little blasts, 140 characters at a time. Slowly I started picking up random followers who I didn't know. Then I quit, because letting random strangers in on the minutiae of your daily life is not something I wanted to do at the time.

This winter I had a change of heart. Maybe it was the snow, maybe it was boredom. Most likely it was the really cool looking twitterific app for the iPhone that re-sold me on Twitter. To be honest though, I couldn't give you a good reason why anyone tweets (as they call it). If something is going on in my life and I know you, chances are you don't need to read my tweets to find out.

Anyway, I sometimes feel like Jon Stewart in this clip when I try to figure out technology. So says the guy with the blog that runs his twitter feed in a column.

Jada Pinkett's band

I've known for a while that Jada Pinkett-Smith had this heavy band, and that she played Ozzfest and all this crazy shit, but I had never seen it with my own 2 eyes.

Well.... here it is ladies and gentlemen. Like it or not (I don't really)..... Wicked Wisdom live on Letterman. I'm so sick right now I thought this was a hallucination.

Master Of Denim

The reading non-smoking rainbow

So I sent out a tweet about me quitting smoking. Within 24 hours I had received a reply from Reading Rainbow's own LeVar Burton!! I can't make this shit up people...

The Grown Ass Man Show #1

After watching this I think I'm going to lay off food completely. WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME I WAS THIS FAT!?!? Seriously.. diet. Starts today.


Fall Out Boy - Japan Update 2 - Believers Never Die Part Deux from clandestine on Vimeo.

I really love penguins

I love penguins even if they're not real...


Also, my little sister is having a kid. I'm going to be Uncle Brian soon.

G'Day from Australia mates. Take care and brush your hair.

Dentist kid X Christian Bale (NSFW)

Take 2!!!

Blogging from the other side of the world is hard

I don't sleep much in Japan. I'm 16 hours ahead of where I call home in a completely different day most of the time. I stay up at all hours drinking sake and smoking cigarettes in front of my computer screen in my hotel room, organizing photos I took in the last 8 days of some of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Unfortunately, most of the time I don't have internet because it costs about a bazillion Yen for 24 hours, and I don't make that much in a week. The economy sucks even in the future.

I promise I will post pictures of this amazing trip on my Flickr account as soon as I have internet for long enough to do so. In the meantime enjoy this assortment of ridiculous signs, ads, and random stuff I have come across in this country I love so much...

Kid goes to the dentist

I should preface this by saying this kid just came back from the dentist and is still feeling the effects of the anesthesia. If you'd like, you can forget that and pretend that he's being kidnapped and drugged by a pedophile who is filming his exploits for YouTube. Whatever makes you happy.

Arigato

The posts will be a little more sporadic now that I'm overseas. Japan to be exact. I went to my favorite bar on planet Earth last night - Rock Rock in Shinsaibashi, Osaka, Japan. After a full night of drunken drinking I stumbled into a Family Mart looking for some after drinking food and wouldn't you know it they had something ready made for me! It even had a little picture of beer on the package. There's nothing in the package because I ate it already...

The boss

So yesterday the guy on the left....


...my boss, decided to post a photo and little story about me on his blog. So, I've decided to return the favor. Yes, we do make up the illustrious team "Stage Left", and yes I do dance (sometimes on tables or couches) when "Hey Ya" comes on. But, I would like to say that I don't purposely try to ruin movies and The Office for him. I just assume we're on the same page. If it wasn't for this guy I would probably be homeless right now. Or maybe just working for a different band. We're probably going to own and operate a Pepper Lunch one day soon.

One time in 2003 when my old band and his current extremely successful band were on tour together we used to play this game where we would pull increasingly more brutal pranks on each other. This one time they stole our merch guy Rich's clothes and he had to run around for an hour or so completely naked. I actually don't remember why his clothes were off to begin with. In retaliation we smeared our guitar tech Ron's diarrhea on their van window. In return someone pissed in bottled and informed us "it's somewhere in your van". I can't remember what it led to next, but I will always remember what came after. Probably the most classic story of all time. Forever known as the night I almost killed Fall Out Boy. Well, not really, but pretty fucking close. This video should explain it. Thanks for everything P.W.

OK, OK, I promise, this is the last one...

I know. I'm obsessed with this Microsoft Songsmith mashup thing, but this one is REALLY good. Unlike the abysmal movie about his life. God, seriously... Why did these guys play Big, Puffy, and 2Pac?!? (Real life guys on the right)



Anyway... here's Biggie's "Dead Wrong" as rendered through Songsmith. Thanks Best Week Ever!

Notes I have left myself

It seems like every couple of months I have a new phone. Not because I want new things, I just have a really awful habit of breaking them, and sometimes having them stolen. All of my new smartphones (i.e. iPhones and Blackberries) that I have had have a notes function that allows me take down some of the following gems, exactly as they are in my phone with titles :

Movies

Fletch
Fletch Lives
Robocop
All pixar movies

-

thing
pot holders
organ donors

-

Crocs
Crocs make me embarrassed to have feet

-

band
Dear future, dont get paid for 20 min. Urbana

-

J
898998989898989898989898989898989898989898989898989898989898989898989888989898


That last one I think was my ass dialing those numbers. Pretty impressive for ass dialing.

Just posting a song because now I know how to

Also, because this song fucking rules.

McLusky - To Hell With Good Intentions

Heart Attack Grill

This is where I want to die. If I eat here I probably will.

Detroit crackhead funeral

Somewhere about 3:06 he really nails it.

Helen Hunt on PCP

The title of this is wrong. She's not on crank. It's angel dust... PCP. It gives you the strength of ten men, the ability to fly out of windows, 161 episodes of a sitcom with Paul Reiser. Everyone else in this video is a fucking stoned moron. The smoked doobie J's or whatever they called it...

Just another day in D.C.

Inflatable George W. Bush, with piles of shoes to throw at it, as seen in Dupont Circle, Washington, D.C.

I love this country.

Star Wars according to some girl

This is exactly what I think Star Wars is about. I have only seen the first one and part of Empire Strikes Back. As far as I'm concerned this a beautiful synopsis.

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?

This should turn out perfectly. I'm sure everyone has well wishes for our soon-to-be former President Of The United States.

From Karl Rove's Twitter:


Bye GWB!

Japanese "We Are The World"

Look past the overtly racist blackface and the mangled English...the woman who does Cyndi Lauper is totally dead on. Shiiiiiiiiit.

David Lee Roth x Songsmith!!!

It finally happened. Two of the greatest things the internet has to offer have come together. I may cry.

David Lee Roth x Songsmith


Yeah, I know I write about David Lee Roth a lot.

Now because my neighbor has woken me up

It's 4:26 AM and my drunk downstairs neighbor has woken me up by playing Stiff Little Fingers "Suspect Device" at top volume while screaming out nonsense to her friend. I can hear this all clearly through the heat vent in my room, and none of it makes any sense. Because of this my force of habit is to grab my computer. This is the first thing I found and it made me think of her ...

Gavin of Street Boners and TV Carnage on why women shouldn't drink

I'm sold

I'm starting a band based solely on this product. Lisa is going to be my singer/main songwriter. I may even have Dad in the band.

If you can make it past even 2 minutes of this I commend you.

Owning the "other product"

Growing up, I didn't always have what the other kids had. While everyone was playing Pac-Man on their Atari, I had an Intellivision. Some people ate at McDonald's; I got Mom's homemade burger ala Eddie Murphy Raw. While I realize now that these were character building experiences and actually Intellivision was fucking badass in retrospect (Helllllo... BURGERTIME anyone?), it's definitely a slight disappointment as an 8 year old kid who's not eating happy meals.

Enter the SanDisk slotRadio.



Can you imagine the utter sadness as a young kid on Christmas who wants nothing more than an iPod opens up this fail of an invention? Here's some smashing features of this extremely well thought out "other product" :

- No back button. Like that song you just heard? Wait 'til the other 1000 songs on it play through, or just press skip 999 times. IT'S THAT EASY!!!

- Fixed queue. What that means is.... no shuffle. Also, it starts back at the first song every time you turn it on.

Read more about this highly sought after device that all the kids want here!

Note to parents : Kids don't want this thing or anything like it. The above was sarcasm. Get on "the google" and learn about it.

Old People News

Remember when your mom sent you that forwarded e-mail about the "super date rape" drug, or about how you could buy human flesh from a company called ManBeef? (you can't.) Why can't mom and dad just use the internet like normal people? Why are they so caught up in things that are so clearly fake, and how do they fall victim to all those scams?

It's because they're OLD and old people can't use computers like we do. They get lost trying to get "into their Google". They think their bank website comes PRE-INSTALLED on their computer, which is why they can't get a new one or their finances will be lost forever. We're talking about people who grew up in a day and age when typing on ANYTHING was considered a high brow skill.

Finally there's a news program just for them!

Belated Merry X-Mas

If this is the new breed of pawn shop, I'm moving to Jackson, MS!! Suuuuuhhweeeeet!

Proof that anyone can rap

Ross and I have discussed this and can't decide if this is viral or real. I pray to all that is holy that this is in fact real.

I can't wait to get to Japan

This is how I would like to be greeted at the airport.

How I intend on picking up women from now on

Thanks www.everythingisterrible.com. I'm totally using the skills I have acquired within (none) to flirt with women.

Is there anything cooler than magic?

Why I love Tracy Morgan

COFFEE!

After 10+ years on the wagon (or is it off?) I have started drinking coffee again. I don't know what this means for me. Does this mean I'll soon be into french presses and going to Starbucks and lattes??

Take note of the hair loss by the way. REALLY sweet.

I live my life like there's no tomorrow

You need this. I need this. What I really need is someone to turn the really long one at the bottom into a ringtone for me. Please. I'm begging.

In case you're wondering and you're really going to do that for me, I have an iPhone. Click this thing below and listen to the magic that is David Lee Roth!!

The Real Terrorist

We know your motives. Stop terrorizing us with your love of baked goods.



Oddly enough this probably came out the day I was born.

Too much music... Too late/early

It's 4:30AM and I'm still downloading music. Thank you Christ Almartyr. For the uninitiated, here's a good start for your iTunes library : Best of '08.

I already miss 2008. The numbers were so round.

Oh yeah, and Z2K was really funny. Way to fail Microsoft. This guy (that's a Zune logo tattoo) was super bummed...

When taken out of context...

When taken out of context this is.. MORE FUNNY!?!