Clicking on things

For the first time in my internet surfing career I clicked on a banner ad. It was for those weird "I Hate Sarah Marshall" viral billboards that have been sprouting up all over Chicago, and I assume other major metropolitan areas around the United States.

I got exactly what I expected I suppose, which is a viral marketing campaign for a movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I gotta say, I like the fake Blogger site. Or, is it real? I don't know! I can't tell! Man, they sure put a lot of work into this! So many fake blog entries, and links, and the "About Me" section. There's even a link to the site for the fake band Infant Sorrow, whom I assume are the band to which the lead characters antagonist's new boyfriend belongs to. I learned that by reading the faux-blog. BLAUG. That's a new word and you head it here first.

Blaug (n.) - fake blog, sometimes used to promote something or pay tribute to....

where was I?

OOOOOOOOH....This movie stars Jason Segal of 'Freaks and Geeks' and 'Undeclared' fame, and is directed by Judd Apatow of the same, so I'll probably see this at some point. Fourteen years of using the internet and not clicking on ads DOWN THE DRAIN.

Speaking of clicking on things.... FAIL Blog was one thing, here is the official WIN Blog. So stupid it's awesome.

People who will be dead by next year

Amy Winehouse.



Steve-O from Jackass.



Marian Amash, the (disputed) oldest person in the world. She was alive during the fucking OTTOMAN EMPIRE!!



All of the following people... hopefully.



Do what Ross did and set a Google Calendar reminder. So, on March 19, 2009 you can be like, "Oh shit... Steve-o and those stupid dancing idiots ARE dead!"

Frozen land

In less than 2 weeks I will be here...



I never dreamed that I would visit Antarctica (King George Island, to be exact). Now I'm going with a band I once tried to kill with a bottle, back when we couldn't draw enough people to a show to feed ourselves. If I don't get some up close time with a penguin I'm going to be pissed.

Luckily we will not be heading too far into the continent where shit can get kind of hectic....



Is it possible that I will be the first Puerto Rican in Antarctica? I will definitely be making an attempt to be the first person to wear a Hawaiian shirt in Antarctica. We definitely wouldn't be the first to play a rock concert there however.

edit : I will not be the first person to wear a Hawaiian shirt in Antarctica.


Dammit to hell.

Crazy and being insanity

I know it's taken FOR-FUCKING-EVER for me to write a new blog. Give me a break, I've been insanely busy. Okay, maybe not "insanely" busy, but, I have been to quite a few countries since we've last spoken.

One of them was Japan.

I don't know what it is about this magical land. Going there is like going to the near future. Somewhere about 2 and a half years from now. The kind of 'futuristic' that will make you go, "oh, I could totally see that happening in a couple of years!" That is, of course, if you can decipher any of the crazy signs that seem to have been written using Google Translate. For a country that's so advanced, you'd think they would have at least one good English translator hanging around.

Here's something that I think is trying to instruct people on using the train ticket machine :



As if that weren't enough it's followed later on by this sign, which I think is supposed to clarify the first one...



I would totally pay 1000 yen to have my face cut...



...and I would definitely go tanning here...



Finally, there's this shirt. While walking around Osaka marveling at the many clothing shops in Amerikamura (AKA American Village, which by the way, has very little to do with America other than having a statue of liberty atop one of it's buildings) I came across this very amazing and very small shirt. I would have bought it for myself or someone else, except it was size "I" and I'm pretty sure I don't know what that means.



If you can't quite read that it says this : "Violation Hamburger. Rhyme Island Hamburger it will make you crazy and being insanity rym"

Sure. The only thing making me being insanity is trying to understand what the hell any of it means. And, don't even get me started on the "L" and "R" mix-up thing.


Still, I love it and can't wait to go back. It's good to be back on the blog horse. If you're not satisfied with this post just take a look at this Japanese puppy. Everyone loves puppies...

Fuck having arteries...

... we have deep fried cheeseburgers!



Seriously...... DO. WANT.

Footloose!!

I gotta tell ya, I didn't intend for this blog to become a social commentary forum, complete with video clips, about the state of American media and how we view ourselves and how the average television viewer in this country puts way too much stock into the opinions of people like Oprah, Barbara Walters, and Tyra Banks. But, sometimes I see something ridiculous like the following and it makes me want to jump through the screen and strangle these people for poisoning the minds of people like my mom who casually watch this crap and start to believe that dancing after having some (okay, in this case its 15) drinks is an indicator of a bigger problem like alcoholism. You know what is the indicator? The 15 drinks.

Yeah, I've danced a few times in my life while drunk, too. Guess I gotta go where Amy Winehouse didn't want to go, but eventually did.

The Huffington Post : Tyra Banks Chastises a Drunk-Dancer.

Sorry, I can't for the life of me figure out how to embed this video onto my page.

CLASSIC DIAZ : Juggalos In My Neighborhood! (orig. 4.29.07)

editor's note : When I originally wrote this post in April I had yet to hear an Insane Clown Posse song. To date I have heard "Chicken Huntin' " and something about bugs on nuts. Now I kind of wished more pictures were taken.

The Insane Clown Posse is easily the most childish, amateur, talentless, and pointless excuse for music I have ever heard....... actually, that's exactly what I would probably say if I had even heard ONE of their songs. I, however, have not, but I have seen their fans and, ohhhhh boooooy, do these people speak volumes not only for the band they rep, but for themselves.

For those unfamiliar with the band their fanbase they're easily identifiable by their white and black face paint, oversized hockey jerseys emblazoned with the groups logo, (mostly) oversized basketball shorts, tiny to medium length dreads, and ridiculously colored hair. Another key characteristic is their dedication to the Michigan based soft drink Faygo. The band apparently sprays cases of it on their audience. The kids love to drink it, carry it around with them, and as one especially stupid one did, pour it on themselves. Oh yeah, and they are all about as brilliant as a two by four. These are the juggalos. Juggalettes is the proper term for the females. They are devoted followers of the words of Insane Clown Posse, a band of which I have heard none of their words, and I'd like to keep it that way, please.

Just yesterday I had the pleasure of having my neighborhood overrun by these morons. This happens every time there is a show at Congress Theater. The entire stretch of Milwaukee Avenue from Western to California gets mobbed with all manner of idiots crowding the local food places, leaving garbage all over the street, and taking all the good parking spots. CVS' parking lot often becomes a makeshift lot for the Congress, since it doesn't have a parking lot of it's own.

Since they were in town, Ross and I decided to head down to the Congress while the juggalos were waiting in line to see what it's all about and snap a few pictures. Lucky for us, the juggalos were more than happy to have their pictures taken. Lucky for you I'm posting them right here.

This young man with the green hair had something written on his knuckles and laughed at Ross when he didn't know what it said or meant. We tried to alter the brightness on this one to see what was on written on his hands, but from what we could tell it just said SBBB BBB. Fuck it, who cares, right?


The blue faced couple right here seem to be in some sort of discomfort from their face makeup. I'm assuming they're a couple because they're both wearing the same blue face makeup. The dude with the McDonald's cup actually yelled out, "MCDONALDS BITCH!!!" I wonder if he was super pissed that McD's doesn't carry Faygo.


In this photo, Ross seemed to have gotten them riled up. Take note of the "gang" signs that some of them are throwing up. Also, blue faced girl slyly giving us the finger. Finally, there is McD's band still obsessing over his soda.


Further on down the line we met these people. I know you can't tell from the pictures but the streets and sidewalk were actually sticky from people dumping Faygo all over the place.


This guy, while seemingly participating in the World's Dumbest Dumbshit contest, was also very large. He seemed old enough to know better than to be part of this shit.


Here's a truck filled with Faygo, drink of choice for any self respecting Juggalo/Juggalette. Ross commented, "can you imagine how many bees there are going to be all over the place tomorrow?" Unreal.


So the thing that sucks about completely unprepared to document this carnival of idiocy is that we didn't have a way to capture sound bites of their conversations and random shit they would yell out. I'll try to re-create some Juggalo conversation right here for you, right now, so you don't feel left out.

Juggalo kid (to a guy walking by on the street) : "WOO WOO, You a juggalo?"
Guy on the street : "No, I'm just walking by."

Juggalo after the show : "If you lost your right shoe find a fucking other shoe and stop being a bitch".

Then there was this...... A young girl of about 17 wearing nothing but a bra, saggy baggy pants that hung half way down her ass exposing her space material looking thong. Her pants had the little hatchet guy from their logo and the letters ICP on it. Her hair was shaved around the sides and back, and the top length of hair was pulled into 2 poorly dyed pink pigtails. To complete this look she had some poorly applied super cheap face makeup that made her look like a clown hooker. A true, and utter piece of garbage, straight out of a dumpster.

The thing is, even if you're a juggalo, you have to wait in line at CVS to buy your soda, along with the other people buying BBQ items, tampons, or in my case, some Gatorade. I had the displeasure of listening to their loud and moronic conversation about juggalo gatherings and some picture of a guy named Germ while standing behind them. The two Mexican guys couldn't stop staring at her half hanging out ass. When she jumped into the line one commented to the other, "mira esto!" (Meaning "Look at this")

Fuck it... I can't continue with it... here's the picture


I learned alot about Juggalos and about myself yesterday. I learned that if I ever had a kid who decided to choose this as their lifestyle I would probably disown them. I'd rather raise a child molester. I'd rather my kids end up homeless. I'd rather.... you get the picture.

Thanks to Ross for being brave enough to get close to a juggalo and snap some photos!!

7 hours too long

This guy will never go away. My nightmares have come true. Dane Cook performed comedy for 7 hours. 7 HOURS!!.

How many jokes involving yelling, loud sounds, and body undulating can one really carry out?! He must have gone through his entire catalog of material!

I will however watch the following for 7 hours...

Not funny today. Just observant.

I may have to stop reading the celebrity gossip blogs as of today. I always knew they were in bad taste, but there's something special about watching a trainwreck as it happens, especially when it has nothing to do with you. For some reason I woke up on the more sensitive side of the bed today and checked in with my least favorite blogger, Mario Lavandeira AKA Perez Hilton. In a way Perez has made his career off of trainwrecks, because at base that's what brainless, mindless Americans want to see. They want to see failure. They want to see the people they admire, or at least paid money to entertain them, fall. I rarely watch the videos on the site, but today I decided to check out one specific video for no real reason other than curiosity.

In this video you can watch as a celebrity is being brought from her home via ambulance to a hospital in Los Angeles. The amount of camera flashing going on is sickening. It's enough to light up a nighttime baseball game. The people blocking the ambulance so they can get their "money shot" are going to be the cause of death for this person. You can hear them panting as they run up and down the street, around the hospital, some trying to slip by hospital security and police, desperately trying to be the person who gets the shot of the celebrity in the ambulance. The father of the celebrity's children shows up and is greeted by the photographers with "Loser!" in an attempt to rile some sort of reaction out of him.

I'm not an idiot. I know this goes on in Hollywood. I have friends who deal with this ...obviously no to this level, but still. It's just kind of sick that our culture relies on the failure of the famous so much that there has spawned an entire profession out of breaking your back to document it. I used to think that there were some pretty low jobs out there, but being a paparazzi is officially the lowest.

I'm pretty sure I don't need to mention who this is about. Here's the video to see it all go down. All for a measly half-second of footage of this person coming out of an ambulance...


Hope you're happy America! This is what you wanted so desperately to see.

Doooods...Best Name EVER!!!

I can't believe the names of bands kids listen to these days. What happened to names like Black Flag, The Clash, The Who, The Jam, etc.?? The list goes on endlessly. I guess we ran out of "The" names so we're stuck with this crap.

Lets review some of the worst of 2007!!!

Cute Is What We Aim For - There was actually a group of dudes (of questionable sexual orientation) who sat down with each other after "jamming" or however they got their start and decided that a good name for their band would be "Cute Is What We Aim For". Suck.

The Devil Wears Prada - I'm not sure, but wasn't this a movie that came out THIS YEAR!?! You couldn't have waited guys? Why not "Casablanca" or maybe "Weekend At Bernie's 2"??

Cobra Starship - First there was Jefferson Airplane. Then there was Jefferson Starship. Then just Starship. Then there was all over print hoodies and flat brimmed caps. Then there was Samuel L. Jackson and "Snakes On A Plane". Then there was Cobra Starship. You see where this is going? It's not a good place, I can assure you. Before you know it you're wearing fake "bling" and rockin' a keytar in your band.

Plain White T's - This one really bugs me because the official name of the band includes the apostrophe. The apostrophe indicates the possessive nature of the subject "Plain White T". This name clearly isn't that well thought out. Its supposed to read "Plain White Tees", as in t-shirts. You can argue all you want that it refers to something else, but the truth can be found online, specifically in this snippet I pulled from the Star Gazette :

"We started the band in 1997 when we were just kids coming out of high school. We had some ideas for band names, but they were all pretty bad. Plain White T's was just kind of the least bad out of all of them."

Here's a tip to all you would-bes out there : don't name/start a band when you're just out of high school.

Children 18:3 - That's not a bible verse. There's no 'Book of Children'. Just sayin'. Oh and your music FUCKING SUCKS.

Drop Dead, Gorgeous - In addition to already being a movie title and a cliche phrase, the whole die-kill-yourself-suicide-stabbing-blood thing when naming your band or your songs is so played out I can (and probably at some point will) write a seperate blog about it.

Shh... This Is A Library - I would say something but I don't want to talk over all that reading going on.

Boys Like Girls - O RLY? I guess I can now name my new band "Brian Likes Bacon". Or how about "Grass Is Green"? Maybe, in this specific case, these dudes should have given it a little more thought.

If you need proof that any of these bands exist please contact me. I can send you the appropriate links. There's no fucking way I'm linking to any of this nonsense on here.

(update/editor's note : I'm fully aware I was in an awful ska band with an equally awful name. That was over 10 years ago. I'm 31 now. I'm now allowed to make fun of kids as much as I want.)

Cats and utensils

I really hate cats. I hate most animals. As if it isn't bad enough, this woman taught her cat to eat with a fork and chopsticks. Rather than just have a freak, creepy cat that can do something solely human after much prodding, she has decided that her cat (read : this woman) would like to meet Tiger Woods and have dinner with Oprah. Oh, and her cat wants to be a movie star. Because she can, ya know, eat ice cream with a spoon. Did I mention.... it's a fucking cat?!

To Answer Your Questions

I often get asked why I hate Los Angeles. I can finally show you a video of the kind of nonsense that goes down in that city. I'm not sure if this is NSFW. I can assure you it's NSFMS (Not safe for my sanity).

People wait an hour in line for this kind of shit...