Does this technique actually work?

I don't know if this would work or not, but I guess this is why Motley Crue used to put their wangs in burritos before they went home to their girlfriends. But, let's face it, if you're sticking it in a warm, sour cream filled burrito it's probably because you just actually enjoying pleasuring yourself with Mexican food.

This video is NSFW I guess. I don't have a job where things like this are inappropriate in the "office". I look at this video as more of an advertisement for iPhones and potential burrito fucking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the video for "Smell Yo Dick" by Riskay....

Art : no one cares

Over 2000 people completely ignored this piece by supposed "important" artist Luc Tuymans. You know what? Of the 4% of people who actually stopped to look at it, .01% probably even knew who this person is... In his own country! Which is to say, that if even that many people in the world are familiar with Luc Tuymans' work, it doesn't make him any more important than any other artist who has ever lived.

Don't get me wrong. I own art. I own prints and photographs and silk screens of various things. I just know it's silly to place this incredible value on it. Of course the curators of his shows think he's a genius and of course the caretakers of museums where he has installations think that his work is changing people's perception of art and of the world. If I thought inside that small of a box I would think that I was making life-changing guitar repairs every night.

Anyway... here's a video of 2000+ people ignoring a supposed genius. Art sucks.

Geography Lesson

Oddly enough, it's somehow accurate except for the fact that Africa is completely missing.

The Nuge Hates Basketball

A few days ago while waiting for the Diversey bus to take me to a very unpleasantly long visit with my tax preparer (that's a whole OTHER blog), I started reading the many fliers in the window of the church on the corner.


For some very strange reason this church is obsessed with hunting. Judging by the pictures I could see that they offer a great number of youth oriented camping, outdoors, and hunting trips. One of the testimonials for these hunting retreats came from none other than the Motor City Madman himself, Ted Nugent.

I've always been torn about what to think about Ted Nugent. On one hand I respect his right to hate vegetarians (I deplore the concept of it), hunt animals, and say what everyone else wants to say but can't because they're not The Nuge. On the other hand he is also a marginally talented, gun-toting, redneck who pretty much stands for everything that I can't stand, including stating that he gets a "full predator spritual erection" from hunting "small children [and] scared women". So, I guess I kind of hate him in reality... although I stand firm on the vegetarian thing. Read here for a doctor's take on it : Why I'm Not A Vegetarian







ANYWAY, here's what Ted has to say about the youth of Chicago and what he'd rather see them doing, according the one page testimonial in the window of the corner church by my house.


"I am proud of what the church and Pastor Dan are doing. Bringing the Spirit of The Wild to the windy city. Chicago youth need other alternatives besides basketball, xbox, and gang banging." Which translated means Mr. Cat Scratch Fever believes that the solution is to get those 'bangers off the street with their guns and get them maybe, ya know, hunting women or something.

Also... basketball? Really? No comment on that. No comment at all.

Antarctic Fail

As some of you may already know, me and my crew of camera guys, tour personnel, millionaires, management, a Guinness Book Of World Records adjudicator, photographer and more did not make it to King George Island in Antarctica. Instead, due to weather conditions preventing us from flying in, we were holed up in Punta Arenas, Chile. A city seemingly over run by children and stray dogs.

It was in the news, it was on the TV, on the internet, etc. After nearly going to jail in Santiago for broken drums (don't ask), it was definitely a huge disappointment and the resultant four days spent in Punta Arenas turned slowly into a living nightmare as local kids in increasing numbers took to standing outside our tiny hotel at all hours of the night and day. They would scream at us, yell out band members' names, throw things through our open windows, sneak in and knock on doors and leave notes, take photos of us eating, follow us around the very small city, and basically act in complete wonderment that something as improbable as one of their favorite bands was in their town which had probably never in history hosted a rock show.

Sometimes they would follow us around. By us, I mean me, our photographer Tom, our soundguy Kyle, and the camera operator Ritesh. Take note of them screaming for someone who ISN'T EVEN WITH US.


Other times they would just hang out in the alley behind the hotel and wait for HOURS for ANYONE to show their face or even give them the slightest attention...

Even getting into a car to go somewhere (which only really happened when we went to see penguins) meant a 25+ person crowd early in the morning....

It was starting to feel like we lived there and may possibly be stuck there permanently. We started visiting Abu Gosch which was the local supermarket.



We bought essentials.





Once our stomaches were full of snacks and beer we cruised around town to see what the southern most continental city in the world had to offer...




We window shopped for metal records and shirts. They were closed.


Of course Kyle found the Masons Lodge.


We made friends with the locals...


...and ran away from others


Somedays we were forced to just drink the sorrows away using local questionable alcohol (at a Guinness world record pace)




All in all, it was a weird experience. It made me realize that I could never become desensitized to my own name. I couldn't hear my name being screamed over and over again to the point of absolute madness. It even continued on after most or all of the band had left.

Most of all the entire experience could be summed up in a popular 2-word phrase that's used a lot in non-english speaking countries when they can't or just won't do what you need/ask of them... "not possible". This is usually after they tell you it's "no problem", which may go on the list as 2nd most popular english phrase amongst non-english speakers.

The final slap in the face was arriving at the Punta Arenas airport early to check in to our long overdue flights home and finding that the ticket counter people were OUT TO LUNCH!! Well, "no problem"! I'll just check in using the machine. Oh, wait, that's "not possible"....


One last zing from the country that just wouldn't quit.... See ya 'round Chile!!

Clicking on things

For the first time in my internet surfing career I clicked on a banner ad. It was for those weird "I Hate Sarah Marshall" viral billboards that have been sprouting up all over Chicago, and I assume other major metropolitan areas around the United States.

I got exactly what I expected I suppose, which is a viral marketing campaign for a movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I gotta say, I like the fake Blogger site. Or, is it real? I don't know! I can't tell! Man, they sure put a lot of work into this! So many fake blog entries, and links, and the "About Me" section. There's even a link to the site for the fake band Infant Sorrow, whom I assume are the band to which the lead characters antagonist's new boyfriend belongs to. I learned that by reading the faux-blog. BLAUG. That's a new word and you head it here first.

Blaug (n.) - fake blog, sometimes used to promote something or pay tribute to....

where was I?

OOOOOOOOH....This movie stars Jason Segal of 'Freaks and Geeks' and 'Undeclared' fame, and is directed by Judd Apatow of the same, so I'll probably see this at some point. Fourteen years of using the internet and not clicking on ads DOWN THE DRAIN.

Speaking of clicking on things.... FAIL Blog was one thing, here is the official WIN Blog. So stupid it's awesome.

People who will be dead by next year

Amy Winehouse.



Steve-O from Jackass.



Marian Amash, the (disputed) oldest person in the world. She was alive during the fucking OTTOMAN EMPIRE!!



All of the following people... hopefully.



Do what Ross did and set a Google Calendar reminder. So, on March 19, 2009 you can be like, "Oh shit... Steve-o and those stupid dancing idiots ARE dead!"

Frozen land

In less than 2 weeks I will be here...



I never dreamed that I would visit Antarctica (King George Island, to be exact). Now I'm going with a band I once tried to kill with a bottle, back when we couldn't draw enough people to a show to feed ourselves. If I don't get some up close time with a penguin I'm going to be pissed.

Luckily we will not be heading too far into the continent where shit can get kind of hectic....



Is it possible that I will be the first Puerto Rican in Antarctica? I will definitely be making an attempt to be the first person to wear a Hawaiian shirt in Antarctica. We definitely wouldn't be the first to play a rock concert there however.

edit : I will not be the first person to wear a Hawaiian shirt in Antarctica.


Dammit to hell.

Crazy and being insanity

I know it's taken FOR-FUCKING-EVER for me to write a new blog. Give me a break, I've been insanely busy. Okay, maybe not "insanely" busy, but, I have been to quite a few countries since we've last spoken.

One of them was Japan.

I don't know what it is about this magical land. Going there is like going to the near future. Somewhere about 2 and a half years from now. The kind of 'futuristic' that will make you go, "oh, I could totally see that happening in a couple of years!" That is, of course, if you can decipher any of the crazy signs that seem to have been written using Google Translate. For a country that's so advanced, you'd think they would have at least one good English translator hanging around.

Here's something that I think is trying to instruct people on using the train ticket machine :



As if that weren't enough it's followed later on by this sign, which I think is supposed to clarify the first one...



I would totally pay 1000 yen to have my face cut...



...and I would definitely go tanning here...



Finally, there's this shirt. While walking around Osaka marveling at the many clothing shops in Amerikamura (AKA American Village, which by the way, has very little to do with America other than having a statue of liberty atop one of it's buildings) I came across this very amazing and very small shirt. I would have bought it for myself or someone else, except it was size "I" and I'm pretty sure I don't know what that means.



If you can't quite read that it says this : "Violation Hamburger. Rhyme Island Hamburger it will make you crazy and being insanity rym"

Sure. The only thing making me being insanity is trying to understand what the hell any of it means. And, don't even get me started on the "L" and "R" mix-up thing.


Still, I love it and can't wait to go back. It's good to be back on the blog horse. If you're not satisfied with this post just take a look at this Japanese puppy. Everyone loves puppies...

Fuck having arteries...

... we have deep fried cheeseburgers!



Seriously...... DO. WANT.

Footloose!!

I gotta tell ya, I didn't intend for this blog to become a social commentary forum, complete with video clips, about the state of American media and how we view ourselves and how the average television viewer in this country puts way too much stock into the opinions of people like Oprah, Barbara Walters, and Tyra Banks. But, sometimes I see something ridiculous like the following and it makes me want to jump through the screen and strangle these people for poisoning the minds of people like my mom who casually watch this crap and start to believe that dancing after having some (okay, in this case its 15) drinks is an indicator of a bigger problem like alcoholism. You know what is the indicator? The 15 drinks.

Yeah, I've danced a few times in my life while drunk, too. Guess I gotta go where Amy Winehouse didn't want to go, but eventually did.

The Huffington Post : Tyra Banks Chastises a Drunk-Dancer.

Sorry, I can't for the life of me figure out how to embed this video onto my page.

CLASSIC DIAZ : Juggalos In My Neighborhood! (orig. 4.29.07)

editor's note : When I originally wrote this post in April I had yet to hear an Insane Clown Posse song. To date I have heard "Chicken Huntin' " and something about bugs on nuts. Now I kind of wished more pictures were taken.

The Insane Clown Posse is easily the most childish, amateur, talentless, and pointless excuse for music I have ever heard....... actually, that's exactly what I would probably say if I had even heard ONE of their songs. I, however, have not, but I have seen their fans and, ohhhhh boooooy, do these people speak volumes not only for the band they rep, but for themselves.

For those unfamiliar with the band their fanbase they're easily identifiable by their white and black face paint, oversized hockey jerseys emblazoned with the groups logo, (mostly) oversized basketball shorts, tiny to medium length dreads, and ridiculously colored hair. Another key characteristic is their dedication to the Michigan based soft drink Faygo. The band apparently sprays cases of it on their audience. The kids love to drink it, carry it around with them, and as one especially stupid one did, pour it on themselves. Oh yeah, and they are all about as brilliant as a two by four. These are the juggalos. Juggalettes is the proper term for the females. They are devoted followers of the words of Insane Clown Posse, a band of which I have heard none of their words, and I'd like to keep it that way, please.

Just yesterday I had the pleasure of having my neighborhood overrun by these morons. This happens every time there is a show at Congress Theater. The entire stretch of Milwaukee Avenue from Western to California gets mobbed with all manner of idiots crowding the local food places, leaving garbage all over the street, and taking all the good parking spots. CVS' parking lot often becomes a makeshift lot for the Congress, since it doesn't have a parking lot of it's own.

Since they were in town, Ross and I decided to head down to the Congress while the juggalos were waiting in line to see what it's all about and snap a few pictures. Lucky for us, the juggalos were more than happy to have their pictures taken. Lucky for you I'm posting them right here.

This young man with the green hair had something written on his knuckles and laughed at Ross when he didn't know what it said or meant. We tried to alter the brightness on this one to see what was on written on his hands, but from what we could tell it just said SBBB BBB. Fuck it, who cares, right?


The blue faced couple right here seem to be in some sort of discomfort from their face makeup. I'm assuming they're a couple because they're both wearing the same blue face makeup. The dude with the McDonald's cup actually yelled out, "MCDONALDS BITCH!!!" I wonder if he was super pissed that McD's doesn't carry Faygo.


In this photo, Ross seemed to have gotten them riled up. Take note of the "gang" signs that some of them are throwing up. Also, blue faced girl slyly giving us the finger. Finally, there is McD's band still obsessing over his soda.


Further on down the line we met these people. I know you can't tell from the pictures but the streets and sidewalk were actually sticky from people dumping Faygo all over the place.


This guy, while seemingly participating in the World's Dumbest Dumbshit contest, was also very large. He seemed old enough to know better than to be part of this shit.


Here's a truck filled with Faygo, drink of choice for any self respecting Juggalo/Juggalette. Ross commented, "can you imagine how many bees there are going to be all over the place tomorrow?" Unreal.


So the thing that sucks about completely unprepared to document this carnival of idiocy is that we didn't have a way to capture sound bites of their conversations and random shit they would yell out. I'll try to re-create some Juggalo conversation right here for you, right now, so you don't feel left out.

Juggalo kid (to a guy walking by on the street) : "WOO WOO, You a juggalo?"
Guy on the street : "No, I'm just walking by."

Juggalo after the show : "If you lost your right shoe find a fucking other shoe and stop being a bitch".

Then there was this...... A young girl of about 17 wearing nothing but a bra, saggy baggy pants that hung half way down her ass exposing her space material looking thong. Her pants had the little hatchet guy from their logo and the letters ICP on it. Her hair was shaved around the sides and back, and the top length of hair was pulled into 2 poorly dyed pink pigtails. To complete this look she had some poorly applied super cheap face makeup that made her look like a clown hooker. A true, and utter piece of garbage, straight out of a dumpster.

The thing is, even if you're a juggalo, you have to wait in line at CVS to buy your soda, along with the other people buying BBQ items, tampons, or in my case, some Gatorade. I had the displeasure of listening to their loud and moronic conversation about juggalo gatherings and some picture of a guy named Germ while standing behind them. The two Mexican guys couldn't stop staring at her half hanging out ass. When she jumped into the line one commented to the other, "mira esto!" (Meaning "Look at this")

Fuck it... I can't continue with it... here's the picture


I learned alot about Juggalos and about myself yesterday. I learned that if I ever had a kid who decided to choose this as their lifestyle I would probably disown them. I'd rather raise a child molester. I'd rather my kids end up homeless. I'd rather.... you get the picture.

Thanks to Ross for being brave enough to get close to a juggalo and snap some photos!!