Los Simpson

This kind of made me shit my pants, and I may sleep with the lights on tonight. I have no idea what is going on in this thing. My spanish isn't THAT good.

Let's make fun of ME for a change

I dug this one out of a hidden spot on YouTube. Yours truly, in my more pop-punk days. Right around 2:00 take note of Derrick Sherman, now of Brand New, losing it. Good times. Some of the best times.



Feast on this while I come up with more things to hate!! I can take it as well as I can dish it out.

Good advice and my weekly mental list

Here are some things you should think about while you're out there in the wild...

- NEVER trust someone who is REALLY into Primus, lest you wind up hanging out with these people





- the same goes for 30+ year old males wearing Crocs. I shouldn't even need a picture to explain that one, but I will provide one anyway to drive the point home


- Taco Bell needs a British franchise. Someone open one for those poor souls. Late night kebabs and Wagamama isn't going to cut it forever.

I shall add this to the list of things that I think about at least once a week. This list as it stands right now is :

- Dave Righetti of the 1986 Yankees breaking the saves record. 46 saves in one season! Unheard of at the time.

- 1986 baseball as a whole.

- 1986 in general.

- The difference between ben wa and baoding balls and how not to confuse them.



(SEE! I told you!)

- Wuzzles vs. Popples vs. Furfels. The last one I'm sure existed, but as of now I can find NO information about them. I know my sister had a Popple.

- The video for Herbie Hancock's "Rockit" which used to make me crap my pants. Give me a break, I was like 7 or 8 when this came out. Who knew jazz/hip-hop fusion musicians could make such creepy videos!?!


If you can manage to read through the comments (and who CAN read through all these YouTube comments of subhuman intelligence these days?) you'll find I'm not alone.


This blog post is going nowhere fast so I'm going to end it now.

The 2008 SIHTB Fashion Spread!

Be on the cutting edge!! Be fashion forward at all times!! Be an idiot!

Apparently headbands are no longer for your neck. They are to be worn on your head in varying degrees of stupidity. Take a look at these fine examples for guidance.





"WHAT?!?! They can roofie LOLLIPOPS now?!?!"




CAUTION : headband in progress!




This next guy couldn't decide if he wanted to be the Karate Kid or to 'just do it'.




OMG, Macaulay Culkin wears a bullet belt on his head (sort of... this caption shit is hard)




These aliens flew in on their jetpacks, attached as many retarded accessories as possible, drank redbull and vodka 'til near blindness, and were spacefucked by Steve Aoki when it was all done.






Well, now you have the headband down, and that's all well and good. But what about some permanent statement I can make. Something that will REALLY make mom and dad cry? Something that screams, "My only goal for my early to mid twenties is to be fodder for a party-night picture website". Ladies and gentlemen... HAND TATTOOS!


If he had a third hand with 7 fingers it would say "LONELY"




I feel like she's giving me the finger even more than normal people!






Whoa, whoa, whoa.... "I can't get hand tattoos", you say. "I'll get fired from my job at Borders, and I JUST picked up Saturday day shifts so I can go out and pose for pictures all night!" A good substitute for hand tattoos is friends. Even if they're people you don't know that well. It won't matter. The amount of drugs and alcohol you're about to consume means you're going to fight or fuck at least one of them!


Here's a new game. It's called "who's going to anally rape who first?" My money is on Misfits guy giving it to ol' red. We will not talk about 'marker-on-the-face' guy




Oh, look everyone, it's De'mar from the Plain White T's, the singer from My Chemical Romance, and some guy who works at Reckless






And, finally, the ironic, cheap, crushed, empty, recyclable-for-refund dreams of the cutting edge of Chicago, all packed away and ready for disposal, or at least for another night of dancing to 80s music.





As usual, direct all hate mail to the comments.

YES, I do know some of the people in these photos personally. I don't care about feelings. DUH!

(ALL PHOTO CREDIT, except the first one, TO : Clayton Hauck, who somehow made a living taking pictures of these people. He wins. These people do not.)

I'm very happy... with what I just did to you

Why is this news to me? Why is Ross sending me clips with John Mayer? I have no idea, but as of right now I have watched the video for that 'body is a wonderland' song a bunch and that 'scream at the top of my lungs' joint. I met John Mayer at Live Earth this summer. He seems like a nice enough down to earth guy.

What I didn't realize is John Mayer is fucking hilarious. Here he is pwning Ryan Seacrest on what may be a live red carpet broadcast. I need to learn enough Japanese and be famous enough to do this to someone one day...


Then there's this thing he made. It's similar to "Boom Goes The Dynamite" which is so old I'm not posting it here...


Well, it's looks like I like John Mayer. Please direct all concerns and comments to the comments section.

Does this technique actually work?

I don't know if this would work or not, but I guess this is why Motley Crue used to put their wangs in burritos before they went home to their girlfriends. But, let's face it, if you're sticking it in a warm, sour cream filled burrito it's probably because you just actually enjoying pleasuring yourself with Mexican food.

This video is NSFW I guess. I don't have a job where things like this are inappropriate in the "office". I look at this video as more of an advertisement for iPhones and potential burrito fucking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the video for "Smell Yo Dick" by Riskay....

Art : no one cares

Over 2000 people completely ignored this piece by supposed "important" artist Luc Tuymans. You know what? Of the 4% of people who actually stopped to look at it, .01% probably even knew who this person is... In his own country! Which is to say, that if even that many people in the world are familiar with Luc Tuymans' work, it doesn't make him any more important than any other artist who has ever lived.

Don't get me wrong. I own art. I own prints and photographs and silk screens of various things. I just know it's silly to place this incredible value on it. Of course the curators of his shows think he's a genius and of course the caretakers of museums where he has installations think that his work is changing people's perception of art and of the world. If I thought inside that small of a box I would think that I was making life-changing guitar repairs every night.

Anyway... here's a video of 2000+ people ignoring a supposed genius. Art sucks.

Geography Lesson

Oddly enough, it's somehow accurate except for the fact that Africa is completely missing.

The Nuge Hates Basketball

A few days ago while waiting for the Diversey bus to take me to a very unpleasantly long visit with my tax preparer (that's a whole OTHER blog), I started reading the many fliers in the window of the church on the corner.


For some very strange reason this church is obsessed with hunting. Judging by the pictures I could see that they offer a great number of youth oriented camping, outdoors, and hunting trips. One of the testimonials for these hunting retreats came from none other than the Motor City Madman himself, Ted Nugent.

I've always been torn about what to think about Ted Nugent. On one hand I respect his right to hate vegetarians (I deplore the concept of it), hunt animals, and say what everyone else wants to say but can't because they're not The Nuge. On the other hand he is also a marginally talented, gun-toting, redneck who pretty much stands for everything that I can't stand, including stating that he gets a "full predator spritual erection" from hunting "small children [and] scared women". So, I guess I kind of hate him in reality... although I stand firm on the vegetarian thing. Read here for a doctor's take on it : Why I'm Not A Vegetarian







ANYWAY, here's what Ted has to say about the youth of Chicago and what he'd rather see them doing, according the one page testimonial in the window of the corner church by my house.


"I am proud of what the church and Pastor Dan are doing. Bringing the Spirit of The Wild to the windy city. Chicago youth need other alternatives besides basketball, xbox, and gang banging." Which translated means Mr. Cat Scratch Fever believes that the solution is to get those 'bangers off the street with their guns and get them maybe, ya know, hunting women or something.

Also... basketball? Really? No comment on that. No comment at all.

Antarctic Fail

As some of you may already know, me and my crew of camera guys, tour personnel, millionaires, management, a Guinness Book Of World Records adjudicator, photographer and more did not make it to King George Island in Antarctica. Instead, due to weather conditions preventing us from flying in, we were holed up in Punta Arenas, Chile. A city seemingly over run by children and stray dogs.

It was in the news, it was on the TV, on the internet, etc. After nearly going to jail in Santiago for broken drums (don't ask), it was definitely a huge disappointment and the resultant four days spent in Punta Arenas turned slowly into a living nightmare as local kids in increasing numbers took to standing outside our tiny hotel at all hours of the night and day. They would scream at us, yell out band members' names, throw things through our open windows, sneak in and knock on doors and leave notes, take photos of us eating, follow us around the very small city, and basically act in complete wonderment that something as improbable as one of their favorite bands was in their town which had probably never in history hosted a rock show.

Sometimes they would follow us around. By us, I mean me, our photographer Tom, our soundguy Kyle, and the camera operator Ritesh. Take note of them screaming for someone who ISN'T EVEN WITH US.


Other times they would just hang out in the alley behind the hotel and wait for HOURS for ANYONE to show their face or even give them the slightest attention...

Even getting into a car to go somewhere (which only really happened when we went to see penguins) meant a 25+ person crowd early in the morning....

It was starting to feel like we lived there and may possibly be stuck there permanently. We started visiting Abu Gosch which was the local supermarket.



We bought essentials.





Once our stomaches were full of snacks and beer we cruised around town to see what the southern most continental city in the world had to offer...




We window shopped for metal records and shirts. They were closed.


Of course Kyle found the Masons Lodge.


We made friends with the locals...


...and ran away from others


Somedays we were forced to just drink the sorrows away using local questionable alcohol (at a Guinness world record pace)




All in all, it was a weird experience. It made me realize that I could never become desensitized to my own name. I couldn't hear my name being screamed over and over again to the point of absolute madness. It even continued on after most or all of the band had left.

Most of all the entire experience could be summed up in a popular 2-word phrase that's used a lot in non-english speaking countries when they can't or just won't do what you need/ask of them... "not possible". This is usually after they tell you it's "no problem", which may go on the list as 2nd most popular english phrase amongst non-english speakers.

The final slap in the face was arriving at the Punta Arenas airport early to check in to our long overdue flights home and finding that the ticket counter people were OUT TO LUNCH!! Well, "no problem"! I'll just check in using the machine. Oh, wait, that's "not possible"....


One last zing from the country that just wouldn't quit.... See ya 'round Chile!!

Clicking on things

For the first time in my internet surfing career I clicked on a banner ad. It was for those weird "I Hate Sarah Marshall" viral billboards that have been sprouting up all over Chicago, and I assume other major metropolitan areas around the United States.

I got exactly what I expected I suppose, which is a viral marketing campaign for a movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I gotta say, I like the fake Blogger site. Or, is it real? I don't know! I can't tell! Man, they sure put a lot of work into this! So many fake blog entries, and links, and the "About Me" section. There's even a link to the site for the fake band Infant Sorrow, whom I assume are the band to which the lead characters antagonist's new boyfriend belongs to. I learned that by reading the faux-blog. BLAUG. That's a new word and you head it here first.

Blaug (n.) - fake blog, sometimes used to promote something or pay tribute to....

where was I?

OOOOOOOOH....This movie stars Jason Segal of 'Freaks and Geeks' and 'Undeclared' fame, and is directed by Judd Apatow of the same, so I'll probably see this at some point. Fourteen years of using the internet and not clicking on ads DOWN THE DRAIN.

Speaking of clicking on things.... FAIL Blog was one thing, here is the official WIN Blog. So stupid it's awesome.

People who will be dead by next year

Amy Winehouse.



Steve-O from Jackass.



Marian Amash, the (disputed) oldest person in the world. She was alive during the fucking OTTOMAN EMPIRE!!



All of the following people... hopefully.



Do what Ross did and set a Google Calendar reminder. So, on March 19, 2009 you can be like, "Oh shit... Steve-o and those stupid dancing idiots ARE dead!"